it'll be the death of me.

SAM, i mean. 

it felt as if i took my first breath of the day at like..12.45pm or so? after handing in my psych report and movie review.  

exams are a heartbeat away and i'm not even close to being prepared cos of unnecessary obstacles. four days of hell and then i'm OFF! so excited. and so, so scared shitless. 

help! :'(

the great comeback

yes, i'm alive. i'm truly sorry for the lack of updates but i've been crazy busy+helplessly uninspired for the past.. well..10 years during which i've been on hiatus. so. what's been going on, you ask? 

well. let me break it down for ya.

testsassignmentshomeworkmoretestsassignmentshomeworkextremelackofsleepexcessiveeatingtests andmoreassignments. 

oh and homework. yeah, in a nutshell la. 

SO. now you must be wondering what the spaghetti&meatballs i'm doing here, but let me assure you that i'm a little more free now. for..now. 

my four-year old cousin just drew a self-portrait. HAH! it looks like a fierce hybrid of a girl and a demented scarecrow but hey, she's four so all is forgiven. i'll post the picture on facebook if i can. it's hilarious. 

tomorrow is black&red day at college so we're all wearing those colours and i'm painting my nails black and red alternating. we're also watching the remainder of the devil wears prada for psych class tomorrow, for our movie analysis. 

on a more serious note, (not that i wasnt being serious before, i was! especially about the nails :p) i've had a little issue on my mind lately. 

lol, yes i'm sharing it so THERE'S NO ESCAPING ME! muahaahaaaa. 

well, it's quite amazing really how people you think you know just turn out to be great disappointments. i mean, you think you share a real special bond&friendship but you turn around for one second, and find them waltzing off into the sunset without you when you turn back. makes me think, am i really THAT forgettable? cos based on what i know, i'm most certainly not. i make it a point to make people i care about feel that they are important in my life at all times. i DID. over and over. and what did i get in return? being taken for granted, that's what. 

sigh. 

you know? i really dont want to think that all the time i spent in the past fostering the friendship and watering the plants of alliance that we shared was all..a waste. sure, it was a helluva time while it lasted but whats all that if its nothing when time and distance is not on our side? PFFT, that's what. so i dont think i'm going to try anymore. cos i've been hurt over&over and besides, i'm the ONLY one who's EVER trying. and keeping a friendship alive&kicking is a two-way thing, last time i checked. i know you've moved on. but then again, we all have. and you dont see us (me) stop trying. 

but look closely now, and you'll see that i already have. 

zomg.

DRIVING TEST IS TOMORROW!

pray i pass :O

got a text from YM saying 'think-you did not go there to fail.'

and that is so true. boosted my mojo a little. thanks YM! :)

sigh. i better pass.

wish me LUCK!

a tribute to the BUM of all bums.

ohEMGEE! danial bumbummm's going down under on THURSDAY! :'( 

i dont have a picture of you and me in my computer. which SUCKS so bad! sigh. oh well. i'll put one up if i find one, miraculously. 

ohhhhh danial, having you around ALL these years has been just one big laugh (emphasis on BIG. cos well, you know why *winkwink*) 

HAIYO. your BUM la. haha.

anyway, i'm glad to have had fun and sometimes not so fun times with you throughout the years. and i assure you there will be MANY years to come. i'm so excited that you're going to do what you love&know, as you have mentioned, and i'm happy you have that vision and goal for yourself as many people dont. 

so yeah, i'd smack you so hard for not telling me sooner that you're leaving THIS FUGGIN THURSDAY but for now, lets just leave it at this. 

make sure you keep in touch. but i know you will, cos you looooove me and you'll miss my hoxxie-ness to much ;) i'll see you in no time, and we'll PARTAY!

mwwaaah bumbum. lurrve you! xoxo

p/s  I think i might just miss your pick-up lines more than what i'd bargained for. sigh, classic. 

-EDIT-

   i found one!

restless and reckless.

i need to get out of here. before i bite the heads off of every.single.person.in this house. is it not enough that i got my fair share of shit yesterday? sometimes i feel like if i wasnt in a certain place, no one would even know the difference. so what's the point? i'd rather just be left alone then have 'had dinner with'. puhlease. its not like you even give a damn. i just need to be alone. and i need to cry till there's not an ounce of self-pity left in this hole where my heart used to be.

 it fell, you see. and no one's picking it up anytime soon. unless by some sort of miracle it finds its way back. on the other hand, i'm thinking..should i really be surprised and upset? shouldn't i already be used to this kind of hurt? should i not have seen this coming? well. i really should have seen this coming. nothing is this good to be true, not in this thing called my life. again, unless by some sort of miracle..

miracles. 

i just wish i'd have had a less drastic trip down from cloud9. cos honestly, having your heart ripped right out and being tossed all the way back down to earth isnt exactly the way i'd have had it. is it so wrong for something good like this to happen to me, just once in a while? for some reason, is apparently is. i cant wait. to get out. and to get away. to make my OWN decisions and lead my OWN life. 

i know, a few years down the road i'll be complaining about the responsibilities of leading my own life, bla bla bla. that, i do not deny. but who cares right now about a few years down the road? certainly not me. cos i care about now. about how i get through my life as i know it. and oh how god knows i need to get through it. making something better of my life is something i'm not going to give up on. i'm not saying i dont have it good, i know i do. 

i've only had..enough. 

i'm not a bonsai, i'm just missing nutrients!

psych test tmrw. EEK! i so have to study a lot today. but its after my break, so that's not too bad. oh, steph and i are going to the gym on saturday! we're gonna burn 'em carbs. 

i know this is a sad excuse for a blog update. but..i have to go shower. and. study. and. fantasize of yummy food which i wont get to eat anytime soon. so yeah.

my hands, my hands, my, uh, my.

i ate a deutsche dooooodle dang today :)

say it. doooodle dang!

this one's for jo :)

okay, i dont have much to blog about now. lacking inspiration and overflowing with writer's block. so i will blog about...  

how jo is, and i QUOTE, awesome and NOT cool, but then again is also cool, just that being awesome precedes being cool. 

lol JUST KIDDING jo, i'm not going to BLOG about that. as much as you would like me to. i'm going to blog about..

RANDOM FUN FACTS! *screams*

1. it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.  0.0

2. donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. (LOL)

3. the plastic things on the ends of shoelaces are called aglets.

4. a snail can sleep for 3 years. (lol just imagine a snail waking up and going, "hmmmmmm agnes, *yaaawns* what did i miss?") 

5. the electric chair was invented by a dentist.

6. no word in the dictionary rhymes with 'month'.

7. donald duck comics were banned from finland cos he didnt wear pants.

8. coca cola was originally green. (copper cola?)

9. if you yelled for 8 years,  7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 

10. in sweden, there is a ski-thru mcdonalds. 

hope you were entertained with a little more reading material, jo. will try to update more often. with..ahem..substance. lol. 

xoxo

the solution, of the gradient, of the tangent, of the curve.

was what we did in math today. 

had an easy day of classes today (cos there's no malaysian studies on tuesdays) but still, i could seriously deteriorate alive in english class. 

it. is. SO. dull.

and we dont even have any lit! which SUCKS! ugh. well, i dont know if we're gonna...but i highly doubt it. tis in this class where i have perfected the art of sleeping with my eyes opened. tis a skill. had lunch with HB3 today. tomorrow we're eating with bryan and wendy cos we have to do our psych group meeting. 

OH! i saw ym's new phone todaaaaay! it's to DIE for. i'm so getting it. 

is the image a bit small? sorry. SQUINT! teeheee.

i am in love.

i've been saving for quite a while now, so i should be getting it sometime before the middle of the year. hopefully. but i'm still on the fence. 

mum picked me up after college. and she hadnt had lunch so we went to fogal meat market and she had a salad. at. a meat market. lol. 

* i will not disclose publicly what happened, if you wanna know just ask*

left after that (mum bought pies and sausages) and went to this DVD shop. bought PS I Love You!!!! and and and No Reservations (Cath Zeta-Jones and Aaron sexbomb Eckhart) and mum bought some others too. oh yeah, i'm also strangely injured/in pain today. got up and went to college in the morning and my neck's been hurting like a bitch since then. i probably slept wrongly. PLUS i've had a splitting headache since...sometime early in the day too. ugh. mystery injury and pain in head still there, by the way. what i'm doing sitting here in front of the computer remains a mystery to me. 

oh and on the way home, there was a minor jam before the traffic lights. this A-Class A-Hole HONKS till the cows came home, out of sheer impatience. when i say honks, i mean...one of those superlongeverlastinghonksthatmakeyougolikeOMGLASHADDAP! 

like HELLO! we're all stuck here TOO! what do you expect, all of us to magically disappear at the euphonious sound of your horn?! order a damn brain with a side dish of patience, why dont you. and that's not it, OH no. the mofo had to go and show his finger to this poor innocent lady for NO reason. i mean, we were all stuck in the same situation. it was NOBODY'S fault. just plain congestion. haiyo. seriously la. 

yeah.

so came home after that episode, and popped two actifasts for the head.

and actifast MY BUM. they're not workinggngngngng! 

:(

to make you feel my love

is a good song. i highly recommend it. 

woke up at around 11.30am today. did math in bed. lol. i've decided that it's the best way imaginable to do math. relaxed, so NOT stressing out over it. math in bed for like almost 2 hours (yay me!) and then decided to stop. ihad like four questions left by then. got outta bed, had a shower and collapsed back onto said bed with my ipod and hoodie. felt so good, fresh outta the shower listening to good music. aahh. 

in the midst of my relaxed bliss, adri called for lunch. so got up, got ready and left at around 2.30pm. went to secret recipe, amin joined us. went home after the late lunch and watched some one tree hill. heh. math still awaiting. 

OH. then i thought i was going crazy. 

while i was at my computer, i thought i heard like...a tune playing. 

sort of...far away, in the distance..

i dismissed it at first. a few seconds later, i heard it again. i honestly thought i was joining the likes of the rest of my family, going falalabanananas. it was so creeepy. like, in a quiet room, imagine hearing a soft, melodious tune. positively haunting, right?! so i turned around. it was coming from that direction..

- _______________________-

i'd left my iPod on. i'm a fucking CHAMPION sometimes, i tell you. 

i laughed at my momentary stupidity and turned it off. 

oh well. at least i know i'm still the sane one in the family. 

*flashes big grin* 

i'm going for prayers tonight. it's been a long time since i've been to uncle bob's place. oh how i've missed monday nights there. glad to be getting back into that routine, before i got all stressed out about SPM. speaking of SPM, resluts are out March 12th. i'm not really anxious anymore..seeing as how i've already started college and am in a whole different ball game altogether. but, a little apprehensive nonetheless. so...pray for me people! not long now :S

okay, i'd better go finish up my math now, before i lose my momentum. 

now THAT, my dears, would be an absolute calamityyy.

---- edit----

done with maaath. or at least, done with all the questions i know how to answer. 

was so overcome with joy, took some pictures.

something's f-ing with my system.

i've been eating all day. ALL. friggin'. DAY. i ate loh shi fun in the morning. then came home and slept for a while. went out again. didn't eat, so i thought i was okay. 

oh HELL how i was mistaken.

came back, ate lunch. that's still okay. THEN. i ate

mameemonsterandcheezelsANDoreowaferrollsandGODDAMIT.

sweets.

i think these are withdrawal symptoms along with the effects of having the..'aiyo i could be happier lah, okay' syndrome. sigh. 

i feel gross. i'm so not having dinner.

going to watch the AO finals now. fed-nadal baby! also, i'm a bit relaxed cos there isnt as much of math as i thought there was. so...TEEHEE. *slackslackslackslackEAT*

to TMR - sigh.   

i am happy.

It’s not that unusual 
When everything is beautiful. 
It’s just another ordinary miracle today. 

It seems so exceptional 

That things just work out after all. 

It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

things are looking up. all we have to do is keep praying that it stays there. 

xx 

love story.

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it's real,

Don't be afraid

We'll make it out of this mess

It's a love story baby just say yes ~

is all i have to say right now. 

xx

lovebug

i've got the orientation party tomorrow. and i dont know what to wear (what else is new?). gah. anyway, college was okay today. didnt have chem cos our lecturer got her lunch times mixed up. LOL. that happened for math yesterday too. so yeah, free period. OMG i totally fell asleep in malaysian studies. for like 2 seconds la. yee mung woke me up. heh. then at math i was like zzzzzzzzzzz kinda sleepy and ms pravin knew so she made me do a math question on the board to wake me up. 

it woke me up alright. luckily i didnt embarrass myself by not knowing how to do it. 

i still remain on the fence on who to vote for. for student council positions. 

maybe i wont vote at all. whee!

yes, very short post. i know. but i art sleepy. 

Now I'm speechless over the edge

I'm just breathless

I never thought that I'd catch

This lovebug again~

xx

gah!

i would like to formally announce that..

MY FAMILY'S GONE  FALALA-BANANANAS!

and THAT, my dears, is a fact. 

i'm going out today. before i join the likes of my family. i prefer to remain one of the sane members. 

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm

Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm

Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance

Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

xx catch ya'll later!

the sob story of phosphorus

okay yeah, ignore the title. lol. it's just...something i was thinking about. not really worth putting into words. 

had a relatively okay day today. wasnt too sleepy towards the end of classes. haha. i feel as if the bonds of friendship in HB3 are definitely blooming at a quicker pace. which is excellent news, btw. even bryan seems so much more comfortable being surrounded by 12 girls all day. everyday. hmm. now tell me again why he wouldnt be? ;) today before psych some of my classmates decided to switch all the lights off so that they could jump out and scare everyone who walked into class. so they then came up with the idea of scaring ms cheryl when she walked in. 

it was an immense success. bravo HB3! 

psych was fun today. since it's monday madness we had an activity. we each had to find a partner (out of our comfort zone) and sit really close facing each other and staaaaaare into each others' eyes. my partner was jia huey. she's hilariously adorable. OH i forgot to mention, during all of this, we had to write down whatever came to our minds while staaaaaring into our partners' eyes. mhmm. interesting outcome. 

also, many candidates for student council were campaigning by putting up interesting posters like EVERYWHERE of themselves. no active campaigning at all. yet. maybe there will be tomorrow, i dont know. i dont even know who to vote for :P was supposed to go for the dance club meeting today after classes but i had no transport home after so i just went home straight after classes :( that's okay tho, mei yen went. she'll tell me about it tomorrow. ms cheryl is the advisor as well so that's pretty cool. and apparently the dance club is like performing at our party on thursday. hip to the hop, yo. hope it's good. i dont really wanna do hip hop tho, i'd rather take up jazz. it's more of a challenge. and it's new. never really gone into jazz before. 

i hear news on there being latin too!

ooh and there's a yoga club. thinking thinking of joining joining. but...we'll see. it could be good for me, this year especially. got lots, and i mean LOTS, of calming down and excessive breathing to do. siiigh. i thought the united nations club thing would be interesting but it isnt really my thing. lots of debating and stuff. i prefer a less stressful/not-SO-much-use-of-the-brain kinda ECA. lol. that sounded quite bimbotic. i mean, not that i dont wanna use my brain la it's just that i use it so much during class now (more than i used to in school. eek.) and so i'd prefer something more fun and light to do for ECA la.

geez. is that sooo wrong? :(

so yeah, thinking about all that now la. we get to choose our clubs at the party on thursday too. apparently food is sponsored by TGIF! i hope it isnt just a rumour. heehee. OH OH! ate at joe's corner kopitiam today. definitely going back :) verrrry the good price and verrry the good food. 

ack. i'd better go check BB7 now for notes and study a bit. ciao bellas! 

the list. oh GOD, the list.

sunday, end of the weekend. or in reality, the start of the week. why do some people consider sunday the end of the weekend and some, the start of the week? i suppose it's just the effect of sunday on different types of people. for example. say there's Group A of people and Group B of people. the A people spend their sundays recovering from the weekend and preparing for monday. no nonsense. the B people go out, have fun with friends and family, just as they would on well, saturday. no difference.

perspectives. 

got me thinking. (yes, i DO have the brain capacity) 

how does one mark the end of a chapter in ones' life, and the beginning of another? now, THAT'S the million dollar question. i have come to a conclusion now that a chapter of my life has come to a certain close. but how (okay this post is gonna be filled with questions so bear with me LAH) do i sort of...kickstart on this new chapter? what decisions do i have to make? what about myself do i have to alter? it's like starting a new week. i'm a Group B person so the start of the week to me is SO monday. so, it's as if i'm at the foot of a new week. leaving last week behind and dreaming, only dreaming, of next week. the questions above would be so easily answered if it's put into this point of view. 

how do i kickstart the new week?

by waking up early, not rushing/getting stressed about going late for class. by being prepared and being happy and not mopey and emo. 

what decisions do i have to make throughout the week?

to do with time management, whether or not to stay in or go out, how i spend my money, etc.

what about myself do i have to alter to have a successful week?

my laziness. 'nuff said. 

well, and shooting my mouth off. 

yeah. see? so simple. so clear. but we're talking a whole new chapter in life. obviously it isnt that simple. and that's what sucks. cos we dont know the possible characteristics, the outline or structure of this chapter as we do the week. we dont know..the ending either. 

which is sad. and scary. and which makes you look up the word un-fucking-predictable on dictionary.com.

this chapter is going to be something like a chapter of my life never was before. now that i know for a fact. and here are a few things i'm planning for my new chapter so that i wont be so completely lost in it. 

1. i'm going to work hard in college. like i never did in school. i need to get into a good uni. 

2. i'm going to successfully curb my laziness. which isnt going to be easy since it has it's own fucking personality and zip code. 

3. i'm going to make a lot of new friends (that's already in the process) and meet a lot of new people. to improve my people skills. 

4. i'm going to get more fit. (steph, GYM!)

5. on a lighter note, i'm going to get a tattoo.

6. i'm going to learn (from megan, my financial advisor) to skimp. big time. 

7. i'm going to get the cybershot T-700 in hot pink ( hopefully with part of my own money. or all. if that's technically possible)

8. i'm going to turn 18 with a bang so 'happening' you could hear it in the artic region. and in certain parts of mars. 

9. i'm going to start my christmas shopping EARLY so i wouldnt be rushing like a headless chicken. as mum often quotes. 

10. i'm going to try to reason with...complications. i'm going to try, okay? i'm not saying i can. but a part of me wants this too and hopefully, that part will dominate. 

 so yes. by the end of this chapter, i will surely/hopefully have checked off all/most of the things on that list. hence now commences the start of the newest chapter of my life.

welcome. 

I'd take another chance, take a fall

Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But that's nothing new ~

this is my favourite verse, btw ;)

i want to die.

seriously.

Sippin' wine, Killin' time.

first off, i'd like to establish that..

1) i think Noddy and his toy friends should go jump of a toy cliff.

2) and DIE. preferably.

3) there is a rubber duck (!?!?!??!!) stuck on the bathroom wall. 

ah. now that i've got that off my chest, i will continue with my post for today. i have a feeling the quality of my spoken english is slowly deteriorating. which like so cannot happen. not like my english is SO perfect but still, i like to think i have an exceptionally good conduct of the language. and i think my standards are dropping. it's just, i hear myself speak to some of my friends (those of whom do not speak english the way i'd like them to) and it's as if...i sound LIKE them. maybe it's like me psychologically trying to go down to their level just for that conversation. i mean, dude. if i turn out speaking like some of my friends do, hell i'd totally dig my own grave. willingly. 

as in i'd like VOLUNTEER.

nothing mind-blowingly interesting happened today. went to class early. not that i'm always late it's just that i was pretty late yesterday due to the unforeseen insane jam. seriously. had bio in the morning. thennnnnn we had psych (OMG i seriously have to learn many things on my own la) and theeeennnn we had chem. went for lunch after that with yee mung and chung wye. we ate 1901 hotdogs. so filling. gaahh. then we went back for our "talk" on the i-Zone and the Blackboard 7 stuff and the library. lol. most people were like facebook-ing throughout the talk. it's a good thing the computers are arranged in a way where no one can really see what everyone else is doing. after the talk we had malaysian studies. mr. william PILED on the assignments, no joke. he took away one assignment la cos the majority decided that 3 would SO suffice. 

i mean, it's MALAYSIAN STUDIES. take a chill pill man. 

anyway, this is one of the assignments we have to do.

ahem ahem. 

1) create a music CD with a cover and a poster to match, with the theme 'Unity'

2) COMPOSE, WRITE and fuckin' PERFORM an ORIGINAL fuckin' song as a group presentation. to the theme 'Unity'.

whooooopdeedoo! 

well, we DO have till like, march. so i guess the time frame is just dandy. *insert profanity* 

was so sleepy towards the end of classes. learnt to use my calculator today. the one that burnt a hole in our pockets. it's pretty cool. i'm so gonna use it for like everything. since it cost how much it cost, i'd better make the MOST use out of it. i'd use it to like...plot random graphs throughout the day. 

Lazyness against Amount of Food Intake. 

Sleepiness against Amount of Food Intake. 

Offmyrocker-ness against Excessive Noddy and Friends Input.

yeah, i think i'll do that. then the calculator would actually be closer to being worth what i paid for it. 

heh. 

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know ~

the fire you ignited.

i have a feeling i'm in deeeeeeep shit. hmm. ah well, i'm in a risky frisky mood. who knows how long i'm gonna be on this high. and how far the fall's gonna be. 

ouch. 

on a lighter note, college is going well. so far. i hope i dont jinx it. it's actually quite relaxed, nothing like school. tho everyone says to me, " OoooOoOooOohhh you start at 8.30 and end at like 4??? go back to school lah!" 

bite me. 

YOU try cramming YOUR programme into 11 months and THEN come talk to me. like, serially ;) anyway, no reason to get worked up. i have good food everyday. there is one thing to get worked up about tho. such as my current and rather sudden investment in winter clothing. the building is fuggin freeeeeezing man. but its central. with hartamas shopping center. so there's kinda nothing much we can do about it. gaaah! i'll get used to it i suppose. i bet i could now sleep naked in a snowstorm and live to tell the tale. i kid you not.

went to school (SSB) after college to watch and help with the cheer auditions. was pleasantly surprised at the the talent this year, compared to the talent last year. or lack thereof. AHEM. aaaanyway, the new ones seem pretty into the spirit so we're all quite optimistic. was sooooo nice seeing all the Falcons '08 cheerleaders. memmmmorrriiieeeesss :) i got a lotta hugs too. heee. saw a few teachers as well. i miss everything so so much. 

well, that was basically my day. 

I want you to know 

With everything I won't let this go

These words are my heart and soul

I'll hold on to this moment you know

As I bleed my heart out to show

And I won't let go ~

phosphodiester bond

classes started today. had chem in the morning. was almost....too good to be true. then we had ESL and had like this group activity. was quite interesting. and. funny. 

did you know that in South African english, a traffic light is referred to as a 'robot'? 

HAH. neither did i. so in a way, it was pretty informative. after that we thought we had a free period since LAN hasnt started but noooooooooooo, we had a talk on good first impressions. learnt that there are many types of handshakes which signify different things. ask me one day, i'll show you. quite cool. then after the talk was our break. went to eat at a different mamak today. but i prefer the other one. this one's too....crowded. and poor yee mung's not used to mamak overload so tomorrow we'll probably eat somewhere else. lol. after our break we went back to class for psych. psych was fun. ish. our lecturer is quite cool. she's young and i guess she relates to us more. she gave us the assessment breakdown and then we had this group activity. we had to pick a movie to analyse based on four psychological factors. we chose dark night. daaaaaaark night. pretty psycho so it fit really well. and theeeen we had the last period which was bio. hence my nerd-ish title. hehh. ask me what THAT is :) i can tell yooou :))))

shut up thayne, i know you know. hmmph. 

life.

when things go wrong, when you get sad or when you get mad, people say

hey. that's life.

when you get hurt, when being treated unfairly, people say

hey. that's life.

when everyone seems to be fine and you're the only sinking ship, people say

hey. that's life.

it's life. there's no running away. there's no hiding out or avoiding. as much as you just want to be left the hell alone, it wont happen. it's life. i have to admit that i hate what's happening. i dread the future because i know i'm going off-track. so off-track that i might not even recognise myself somewhere down the road. now even, i've started seeing someone else in the mirror. i cant tell yet whether or not it's for the better or for the worse. but it's definitely different. i'm different. more brazen, more rebellious. 

rebellious. a word i thought would never describe me. 

but sometimes, to make a point, rebellion is quite necessary. and god knows i have to make this point. 

if it's the last fucking thing i do.