i am happy.

It’s not that unusual 
When everything is beautiful. 
It’s just another ordinary miracle today. 

It seems so exceptional 

That things just work out after all. 

It’s just another ordinary miracle today.

things are looking up. all we have to do is keep praying that it stays there. 

xx 

love story.

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel

This love is difficult, but it's real,

Don't be afraid

We'll make it out of this mess

It's a love story baby just say yes ~

is all i have to say right now. 

xx

lovebug

i've got the orientation party tomorrow. and i dont know what to wear (what else is new?). gah. anyway, college was okay today. didnt have chem cos our lecturer got her lunch times mixed up. LOL. that happened for math yesterday too. so yeah, free period. OMG i totally fell asleep in malaysian studies. for like 2 seconds la. yee mung woke me up. heh. then at math i was like zzzzzzzzzzz kinda sleepy and ms pravin knew so she made me do a math question on the board to wake me up. 

it woke me up alright. luckily i didnt embarrass myself by not knowing how to do it. 

i still remain on the fence on who to vote for. for student council positions. 

maybe i wont vote at all. whee!

yes, very short post. i know. but i art sleepy. 

Now I'm speechless over the edge

I'm just breathless

I never thought that I'd catch

This lovebug again~

xx

gah!

i would like to formally announce that..

MY FAMILY'S GONE  FALALA-BANANANAS!

and THAT, my dears, is a fact. 

i'm going out today. before i join the likes of my family. i prefer to remain one of the sane members. 

Just dance, gonna be okay, da da doo-doo-mmm

Just dance, spin that record babe, da da doo-doo-mmm

Just dance, gonna be okay, d-d-d-dance

Dance, dance, just, j-j-just dance

xx catch ya'll later!

the sob story of phosphorus

okay yeah, ignore the title. lol. it's just...something i was thinking about. not really worth putting into words. 

had a relatively okay day today. wasnt too sleepy towards the end of classes. haha. i feel as if the bonds of friendship in HB3 are definitely blooming at a quicker pace. which is excellent news, btw. even bryan seems so much more comfortable being surrounded by 12 girls all day. everyday. hmm. now tell me again why he wouldnt be? ;) today before psych some of my classmates decided to switch all the lights off so that they could jump out and scare everyone who walked into class. so they then came up with the idea of scaring ms cheryl when she walked in. 

it was an immense success. bravo HB3! 

psych was fun today. since it's monday madness we had an activity. we each had to find a partner (out of our comfort zone) and sit really close facing each other and staaaaaare into each others' eyes. my partner was jia huey. she's hilariously adorable. OH i forgot to mention, during all of this, we had to write down whatever came to our minds while staaaaaring into our partners' eyes. mhmm. interesting outcome. 

also, many candidates for student council were campaigning by putting up interesting posters like EVERYWHERE of themselves. no active campaigning at all. yet. maybe there will be tomorrow, i dont know. i dont even know who to vote for :P was supposed to go for the dance club meeting today after classes but i had no transport home after so i just went home straight after classes :( that's okay tho, mei yen went. she'll tell me about it tomorrow. ms cheryl is the advisor as well so that's pretty cool. and apparently the dance club is like performing at our party on thursday. hip to the hop, yo. hope it's good. i dont really wanna do hip hop tho, i'd rather take up jazz. it's more of a challenge. and it's new. never really gone into jazz before. 

i hear news on there being latin too!

ooh and there's a yoga club. thinking thinking of joining joining. but...we'll see. it could be good for me, this year especially. got lots, and i mean LOTS, of calming down and excessive breathing to do. siiigh. i thought the united nations club thing would be interesting but it isnt really my thing. lots of debating and stuff. i prefer a less stressful/not-SO-much-use-of-the-brain kinda ECA. lol. that sounded quite bimbotic. i mean, not that i dont wanna use my brain la it's just that i use it so much during class now (more than i used to in school. eek.) and so i'd prefer something more fun and light to do for ECA la.

geez. is that sooo wrong? :(

so yeah, thinking about all that now la. we get to choose our clubs at the party on thursday too. apparently food is sponsored by TGIF! i hope it isnt just a rumour. heehee. OH OH! ate at joe's corner kopitiam today. definitely going back :) verrrry the good price and verrry the good food. 

ack. i'd better go check BB7 now for notes and study a bit. ciao bellas! 

the list. oh GOD, the list.

sunday, end of the weekend. or in reality, the start of the week. why do some people consider sunday the end of the weekend and some, the start of the week? i suppose it's just the effect of sunday on different types of people. for example. say there's Group A of people and Group B of people. the A people spend their sundays recovering from the weekend and preparing for monday. no nonsense. the B people go out, have fun with friends and family, just as they would on well, saturday. no difference.

perspectives. 

got me thinking. (yes, i DO have the brain capacity) 

how does one mark the end of a chapter in ones' life, and the beginning of another? now, THAT'S the million dollar question. i have come to a conclusion now that a chapter of my life has come to a certain close. but how (okay this post is gonna be filled with questions so bear with me LAH) do i sort of...kickstart on this new chapter? what decisions do i have to make? what about myself do i have to alter? it's like starting a new week. i'm a Group B person so the start of the week to me is SO monday. so, it's as if i'm at the foot of a new week. leaving last week behind and dreaming, only dreaming, of next week. the questions above would be so easily answered if it's put into this point of view. 

how do i kickstart the new week?

by waking up early, not rushing/getting stressed about going late for class. by being prepared and being happy and not mopey and emo. 

what decisions do i have to make throughout the week?

to do with time management, whether or not to stay in or go out, how i spend my money, etc.

what about myself do i have to alter to have a successful week?

my laziness. 'nuff said. 

well, and shooting my mouth off. 

yeah. see? so simple. so clear. but we're talking a whole new chapter in life. obviously it isnt that simple. and that's what sucks. cos we dont know the possible characteristics, the outline or structure of this chapter as we do the week. we dont know..the ending either. 

which is sad. and scary. and which makes you look up the word un-fucking-predictable on dictionary.com.

this chapter is going to be something like a chapter of my life never was before. now that i know for a fact. and here are a few things i'm planning for my new chapter so that i wont be so completely lost in it. 

1. i'm going to work hard in college. like i never did in school. i need to get into a good uni. 

2. i'm going to successfully curb my laziness. which isnt going to be easy since it has it's own fucking personality and zip code. 

3. i'm going to make a lot of new friends (that's already in the process) and meet a lot of new people. to improve my people skills. 

4. i'm going to get more fit. (steph, GYM!)

5. on a lighter note, i'm going to get a tattoo.

6. i'm going to learn (from megan, my financial advisor) to skimp. big time. 

7. i'm going to get the cybershot T-700 in hot pink ( hopefully with part of my own money. or all. if that's technically possible)

8. i'm going to turn 18 with a bang so 'happening' you could hear it in the artic region. and in certain parts of mars. 

9. i'm going to start my christmas shopping EARLY so i wouldnt be rushing like a headless chicken. as mum often quotes. 

10. i'm going to try to reason with...complications. i'm going to try, okay? i'm not saying i can. but a part of me wants this too and hopefully, that part will dominate. 

 so yes. by the end of this chapter, i will surely/hopefully have checked off all/most of the things on that list. hence now commences the start of the newest chapter of my life.

welcome. 

I'd take another chance, take a fall

Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat

But that's nothing new ~

this is my favourite verse, btw ;)

i want to die.

seriously.

Sippin' wine, Killin' time.

first off, i'd like to establish that..

1) i think Noddy and his toy friends should go jump of a toy cliff.

2) and DIE. preferably.

3) there is a rubber duck (!?!?!??!!) stuck on the bathroom wall. 

ah. now that i've got that off my chest, i will continue with my post for today. i have a feeling the quality of my spoken english is slowly deteriorating. which like so cannot happen. not like my english is SO perfect but still, i like to think i have an exceptionally good conduct of the language. and i think my standards are dropping. it's just, i hear myself speak to some of my friends (those of whom do not speak english the way i'd like them to) and it's as if...i sound LIKE them. maybe it's like me psychologically trying to go down to their level just for that conversation. i mean, dude. if i turn out speaking like some of my friends do, hell i'd totally dig my own grave. willingly. 

as in i'd like VOLUNTEER.

nothing mind-blowingly interesting happened today. went to class early. not that i'm always late it's just that i was pretty late yesterday due to the unforeseen insane jam. seriously. had bio in the morning. thennnnnn we had psych (OMG i seriously have to learn many things on my own la) and theeeennnn we had chem. went for lunch after that with yee mung and chung wye. we ate 1901 hotdogs. so filling. gaahh. then we went back for our "talk" on the i-Zone and the Blackboard 7 stuff and the library. lol. most people were like facebook-ing throughout the talk. it's a good thing the computers are arranged in a way where no one can really see what everyone else is doing. after the talk we had malaysian studies. mr. william PILED on the assignments, no joke. he took away one assignment la cos the majority decided that 3 would SO suffice. 

i mean, it's MALAYSIAN STUDIES. take a chill pill man. 

anyway, this is one of the assignments we have to do.

ahem ahem. 

1) create a music CD with a cover and a poster to match, with the theme 'Unity'

2) COMPOSE, WRITE and fuckin' PERFORM an ORIGINAL fuckin' song as a group presentation. to the theme 'Unity'.

whooooopdeedoo! 

well, we DO have till like, march. so i guess the time frame is just dandy. *insert profanity* 

was so sleepy towards the end of classes. learnt to use my calculator today. the one that burnt a hole in our pockets. it's pretty cool. i'm so gonna use it for like everything. since it cost how much it cost, i'd better make the MOST use out of it. i'd use it to like...plot random graphs throughout the day. 

Lazyness against Amount of Food Intake. 

Sleepiness against Amount of Food Intake. 

Offmyrocker-ness against Excessive Noddy and Friends Input.

yeah, i think i'll do that. then the calculator would actually be closer to being worth what i paid for it. 

heh. 

The book of love is long and boring

And written very long ago

It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes

And things we're all too young to know ~

the fire you ignited.

i have a feeling i'm in deeeeeeep shit. hmm. ah well, i'm in a risky frisky mood. who knows how long i'm gonna be on this high. and how far the fall's gonna be. 

ouch. 

on a lighter note, college is going well. so far. i hope i dont jinx it. it's actually quite relaxed, nothing like school. tho everyone says to me, " OoooOoOooOohhh you start at 8.30 and end at like 4??? go back to school lah!" 

bite me. 

YOU try cramming YOUR programme into 11 months and THEN come talk to me. like, serially ;) anyway, no reason to get worked up. i have good food everyday. there is one thing to get worked up about tho. such as my current and rather sudden investment in winter clothing. the building is fuggin freeeeeezing man. but its central. with hartamas shopping center. so there's kinda nothing much we can do about it. gaaah! i'll get used to it i suppose. i bet i could now sleep naked in a snowstorm and live to tell the tale. i kid you not.

went to school (SSB) after college to watch and help with the cheer auditions. was pleasantly surprised at the the talent this year, compared to the talent last year. or lack thereof. AHEM. aaaanyway, the new ones seem pretty into the spirit so we're all quite optimistic. was sooooo nice seeing all the Falcons '08 cheerleaders. memmmmorrriiieeeesss :) i got a lotta hugs too. heee. saw a few teachers as well. i miss everything so so much. 

well, that was basically my day. 

I want you to know 

With everything I won't let this go

These words are my heart and soul

I'll hold on to this moment you know

As I bleed my heart out to show

And I won't let go ~

phosphodiester bond

classes started today. had chem in the morning. was almost....too good to be true. then we had ESL and had like this group activity. was quite interesting. and. funny. 

did you know that in South African english, a traffic light is referred to as a 'robot'? 

HAH. neither did i. so in a way, it was pretty informative. after that we thought we had a free period since LAN hasnt started but noooooooooooo, we had a talk on good first impressions. learnt that there are many types of handshakes which signify different things. ask me one day, i'll show you. quite cool. then after the talk was our break. went to eat at a different mamak today. but i prefer the other one. this one's too....crowded. and poor yee mung's not used to mamak overload so tomorrow we'll probably eat somewhere else. lol. after our break we went back to class for psych. psych was fun. ish. our lecturer is quite cool. she's young and i guess she relates to us more. she gave us the assessment breakdown and then we had this group activity. we had to pick a movie to analyse based on four psychological factors. we chose dark night. daaaaaaark night. pretty psycho so it fit really well. and theeeen we had the last period which was bio. hence my nerd-ish title. hehh. ask me what THAT is :) i can tell yooou :))))

shut up thayne, i know you know. hmmph. 

life.

when things go wrong, when you get sad or when you get mad, people say

hey. that's life.

when you get hurt, when being treated unfairly, people say

hey. that's life.

when everyone seems to be fine and you're the only sinking ship, people say

hey. that's life.

it's life. there's no running away. there's no hiding out or avoiding. as much as you just want to be left the hell alone, it wont happen. it's life. i have to admit that i hate what's happening. i dread the future because i know i'm going off-track. so off-track that i might not even recognise myself somewhere down the road. now even, i've started seeing someone else in the mirror. i cant tell yet whether or not it's for the better or for the worse. but it's definitely different. i'm different. more brazen, more rebellious. 

rebellious. a word i thought would never describe me. 

but sometimes, to make a point, rebellion is quite necessary. and god knows i have to make this point. 

if it's the last fucking thing i do. 

christmas

yes. christmas. 

nothing much to say about it really, for once. 

yes. quite pathetic. 

anyway, i cleaned my room today (YAY me!) and it's looking a lot better. no, really. mum made me cos we're having guests on sunday so my room "has to be presentable and cleeean" ugh. so yeah, cleaned it. all by myself. sigh. just finished lunch today when azlieff called.

"okay okay come out now!"

"huh?? what are you talking about?"

"come out now! faster! we're outside!"

*peers out the window*

"haiyo you guys ahhh.."

went to change and we (amin, azlieff and i) went to secret recipe cos azlieff hadn't eaten. lepak-ed for a while and then amin sent me home. they told me all about the pondan adventures. lol. and gossip! heeee. got home and was supposed to continue cleaning but i fell asleep instead. woke up just in the nick of time (moments before mum stepped through the door) and made it as if i'd been cleaning all that time. haha. give the girl an oscar!

aunty uma and ashwini came over for dinner. went to my grandma's house after that and all of us chatted till about 11pm. came home and aunty uma left. twas a relatively "okay" day. 

didnt feel 'it' quite so much today. 

84th post

it's not exactly a bombastic number but, heh. 

sang today at one utama. i think they sang better at one world tho. i have to say, they sang 

SO.

EFFING.

WELL.

at one world. i'm sad that i wasnt a part of that performance. argh. siiiigh. aanyway, after that i went to le meridien for mum's and aunty lili's birthday dinner organised by aunty lc and uncle tow. 

OH.

MY.

EFFING.

GOSH.

it's a restaurant call al-naufourah (i think), arabian/moroccan restaurant. the food was

SO.

BLOODY.

ORGASMIC.

especially the creme brulee-ish thing that eventhough i was stuffed to the bloody brim i still managed to put away. yay me. at that point i was thinking...'shit, i'm soooo not eating for two weeks'.

haha, yeah right. food is the one thing i'd never give up. like ever.

EVER. 

so yeah there were these awesome dips and stuff. i love dips. dips rock my socks. as dinner went on, the birthday girls proceeded to cutting the cake and the everyone exchanged christmas presents (yes, early i know. but we dont see each other for christmas so YEAHH) and we all got some pretty cool things. 

oh there was a skinny-as-HELL bellydancer. so skinny. SO so skinny. like, her abdomen viewed from the side is as thin as my macbook. 

bitch. 

good bellydancer tho. heh. 

okay, i'm gonna go now. more updates soon. 

p/s : your battery dying mid-sentence was SO NOT funny. grr.  

wild child.

good movie! i liked it. hilarious at some parts. saw it with..

THAAAAAYNE! he's HOOOOOME! *big big smile*

p/s : who said i wasnt enthusiastic/ acknowledging your presence? now the entire world wide web knows ;)  

got this off LL. just thought i'd humour me.

What Lailazechariah Means

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. (lol i wish!) Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are usually the best at everything (???!) ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience. You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along. But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

ehmagaawwd.

it is 3 am. i cannot sleep. went to bed at like 1o pm. read for a bit, finished my book. started another one. got a bit sick of words. just sorta lay there pathetically, thinking about stuff. deleted stuff from my phone. carried on with the laying-there-like-a-pathetic-idiot sequence. 

and here i am. 

i'm not even SLEEPY! what the hell is up with my body clock! at first i thought the reason i couldnt sleep was because i was afraid of having a bad dream. but HELLO BRAIN! I'M SO NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! TIME TO SHUT DOWN! hmmph. come on man. honestly. it's not cool. 

i think i cant sleep because i'm thinking too much. yeah, thats probably it. eventful day, see. it's gonna take a while for things to sort of...ease. but still, no reason to keep me awake, eh conscience? please quit being a bitch, do me a fucking solid, and let.me.sleeeeep. 

then again i suppose verbally abusing my conscience is not gonna do me any good. it will just aggravate it even more, hence generating irritation and anger HENCE me being here again at like 5am. excuse my ranting, i'm sleep deprived. i dont even know if i'll remember doing this when i wake up (that's if i ever get around to sleeping) in the morning. 

since i have absolutely no better place to be at this present moment, here are a few things i'd like to do throughout these few weeks to keep myself occupied/sane :

1. go out more - dear friends, you know what to do. 

2. read more books - adri, i could actually use that borders voucher(s) right about now.

3. be a temporary food connoisseur - food is the ONLY thing in life that never lets me down. 

4. like, never EVER. 

5. go christmas shopping - for me

6. go christmas shopping - for other people (isupposeimust)

7. clean my room - am genuinely afraid. only the Lord Almighty knows what lies beneath it all. 

8. get some cash - LOTS of cash wouldn't hurt too much either. 

9. watch more lipstick jungle, gossip girl, 90210, grey's anatomy and one tree hill

10. sleep at REGUfuckingLAR hours - hear that, oh sweeet conscience?

i now leave you with something i never knew existed and am pleasantly surprised at its existence.

 

convertibles ;)

fuck, i need sleep so bad. 

twilight

watched it yesterday. utter crap after reading the book, obviously. i didnt think the plot (in the movie) was appropriate either. in my opinion, twilight isn't something you can make into a movie successfully. because, everything HAS to be included or it seems as though the movie is sort of 'tergantung' if you know what i mean. plus, robert pattison is SO NOT the edward cullen us girls have been endlessly fantasising of. seriously. it's just not right. kinda put me off the whole movie.  it's not like he's so far beyond the point of no return or anything but, he's just no edward cullen. 'nuff said. 

we went for an 8.30pm show. after the show a few of us mamak-ed in sri damansara. got a little goss session with jasmine. i've missed it, we havent talked for a long time since it's been spm and all. twas nice catching up. lots more to come :) before the movie adri and i went for driving class. i did the hill, 3-point turn and parking and he got to drive outside. next one's on wednesday. abg hasrul said that if i'm okay inside then i can go outside too! but i dunno, i'm kinda rusty still. 

not doing anything today. got up at like...12-ish? whaaaaaat? i slept really late. was reading 'Remember Me' by Sophie Kinsella after i got back. got my phone back after aeons of it being repaired. all my pink themes are gone, replaced by red ones. grr. they were PINK for a reason! just downloaded a new theme anyway, it's nice. heeee. 

craving japanese and listening to kate voegele on repeat. 

damn it. 

i dont understand why they dont understand. i dont understand why they think they are superior to the "other side" of my family. why? is it because you monopolise most of my time? is it because we're more closely knit? 

news flash.

the "other side" is all i have left to remember the "other half" of me. his side whose blood runs through my veins. should his side not be treated as one of equal importance? to you, of course not. another news flash. i do not, i repeat, DO NOT remember what it feels like to be completely, utterly happy at christmas. i swear on my life, i do not. i'll tell you why. 

i'm a half. 

through about 30 minutes of crying my eyes out, trying to make sense of this emptiness and this frustration, that's the conclusion i've come to. i'm a half. no matter where i am for christmas...be it "this side" or the "other side", i'm still and always will be a half. every christmas, there's something missing. there are some people missing. 

there has always been someone missing. 

i've always felt that i can only succeed in making half of myself happy. because i only always have half of my heart with me at christmas. only half. the other half is always with someone else. and that someone else, is always never there to give it back to me or to make me whole. it's what i feel every year. therefore, i've become immune. almost numb to the fact that, well, i'm a half. 

do i blame my parents for ripping me in two? two birthdays meaning two parties, two cakes, two different set of guests, two different locations, two different sets of gifts..

i had always found that great. being the kid that i was. which kid wouldn't? 

what about christmas though? two christmases? 

if only christmas was as simple as a birthday, right? it isnt that simple. there is NO such fucking thing as two christmases. every christmas, every year, is the time i get ripped into two. it started out with me being with daddy every christmas eve. obviously, that changed given the circumstances. that changed along with my age. along with my age came a little more wisdom, a little more insight. with my age, came a lot more hatred for what i was at christmas. 

a half. 

if it were a mere divorce, it wouldnt be quite so complicated. when you die, it's different. i dont blame my mother for wanting me every christmas now. honestly, i dont. i dont blame "this side" of the family for wanting that at all. i blame them for thinking that the "other side" is a lot less important to me. i wonder if they realise that he WAS after all, my father. and that the "other side" IS after all, HIS family. which makes THEM as important to ME.  

i think they think that just because he's gone in person, he's gone in spirit. i dont think that he's gone in spirit. honestly, and i'm not crazy, i think that he'll be waiting for me this christmas. if "this side" thinks that i'm going to the "other side" cos i'm gonna have more fun, they are sadly mistaken. i'll be a half, like always. i just wanna spend this christmas trying to remember what it was like when he was around. maybe if i try hard enough, i will. christmas eve was OUR thing. and with one fatal heart attack, it was taken away from us. 

my mum respects my decision. she knows that i have every right, especially now that i'm older. i'm so grateful that she's not selfish that way. 

as for the other person, i know she'll never understand. she'll never understand  what it feels like..

being a half. 

somebody's 20 today

                                                                thaaaayne the paaaaayne! 

wow i cant believe you're TWENTY! you're five years away to being a quarter of a century old! 

sorry, not helping. 

anyway, since this IS a tribute to youuuu, i supposed i MUST do what i can to sing your praises throughout this (very painful) post. 

kidding, you know i love you. 

hmm, i've known you for what....almost 11 years now? well, give or take. and it's been great. i'm glad i have someone like you that i can talk to about almost anything in the world from heartbreak to.............msn fonts. LOL. doesn't get better than that eh? still sucks that you're so far away tho. but not for long, hopefully ;) 

                                                           i'm sorry, i couldn't resist. HAH!

all in all, i hope you have/are having/had (i have no idea when you're gonna read this) a grrrrrreat birthday! along with many more to come. cant wait to see you!  it's gonna be a blast ;)

                                                             just cos i love this picture :)

all my love, 

L

xoxo

merdeka!

spm is over.

i am ecstatic.

i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. 

or the next day.

or the day after that.

how.goddamn.awesome.is.that?