got this off LL. just thought i'd humour me.

What Lailazechariah Means

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. (lol i wish!) Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are usually the best at everything (???!) ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience. You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along. But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

ehmagaawwd.

it is 3 am. i cannot sleep. went to bed at like 1o pm. read for a bit, finished my book. started another one. got a bit sick of words. just sorta lay there pathetically, thinking about stuff. deleted stuff from my phone. carried on with the laying-there-like-a-pathetic-idiot sequence. 

and here i am. 

i'm not even SLEEPY! what the hell is up with my body clock! at first i thought the reason i couldnt sleep was because i was afraid of having a bad dream. but HELLO BRAIN! I'M SO NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! TIME TO SHUT DOWN! hmmph. come on man. honestly. it's not cool. 

i think i cant sleep because i'm thinking too much. yeah, thats probably it. eventful day, see. it's gonna take a while for things to sort of...ease. but still, no reason to keep me awake, eh conscience? please quit being a bitch, do me a fucking solid, and let.me.sleeeeep. 

then again i suppose verbally abusing my conscience is not gonna do me any good. it will just aggravate it even more, hence generating irritation and anger HENCE me being here again at like 5am. excuse my ranting, i'm sleep deprived. i dont even know if i'll remember doing this when i wake up (that's if i ever get around to sleeping) in the morning. 

since i have absolutely no better place to be at this present moment, here are a few things i'd like to do throughout these few weeks to keep myself occupied/sane :

1. go out more - dear friends, you know what to do. 

2. read more books - adri, i could actually use that borders voucher(s) right about now.

3. be a temporary food connoisseur - food is the ONLY thing in life that never lets me down. 

4. like, never EVER. 

5. go christmas shopping - for me

6. go christmas shopping - for other people (isupposeimust)

7. clean my room - am genuinely afraid. only the Lord Almighty knows what lies beneath it all. 

8. get some cash - LOTS of cash wouldn't hurt too much either. 

9. watch more lipstick jungle, gossip girl, 90210, grey's anatomy and one tree hill

10. sleep at REGUfuckingLAR hours - hear that, oh sweeet conscience?

i now leave you with something i never knew existed and am pleasantly surprised at its existence.

 

convertibles ;)

fuck, i need sleep so bad. 

twilight

watched it yesterday. utter crap after reading the book, obviously. i didnt think the plot (in the movie) was appropriate either. in my opinion, twilight isn't something you can make into a movie successfully. because, everything HAS to be included or it seems as though the movie is sort of 'tergantung' if you know what i mean. plus, robert pattison is SO NOT the edward cullen us girls have been endlessly fantasising of. seriously. it's just not right. kinda put me off the whole movie.  it's not like he's so far beyond the point of no return or anything but, he's just no edward cullen. 'nuff said. 

we went for an 8.30pm show. after the show a few of us mamak-ed in sri damansara. got a little goss session with jasmine. i've missed it, we havent talked for a long time since it's been spm and all. twas nice catching up. lots more to come :) before the movie adri and i went for driving class. i did the hill, 3-point turn and parking and he got to drive outside. next one's on wednesday. abg hasrul said that if i'm okay inside then i can go outside too! but i dunno, i'm kinda rusty still. 

not doing anything today. got up at like...12-ish? whaaaaaat? i slept really late. was reading 'Remember Me' by Sophie Kinsella after i got back. got my phone back after aeons of it being repaired. all my pink themes are gone, replaced by red ones. grr. they were PINK for a reason! just downloaded a new theme anyway, it's nice. heeee. 

craving japanese and listening to kate voegele on repeat. 

damn it. 

i dont understand why they dont understand. i dont understand why they think they are superior to the "other side" of my family. why? is it because you monopolise most of my time? is it because we're more closely knit? 

news flash.

the "other side" is all i have left to remember the "other half" of me. his side whose blood runs through my veins. should his side not be treated as one of equal importance? to you, of course not. another news flash. i do not, i repeat, DO NOT remember what it feels like to be completely, utterly happy at christmas. i swear on my life, i do not. i'll tell you why. 

i'm a half. 

through about 30 minutes of crying my eyes out, trying to make sense of this emptiness and this frustration, that's the conclusion i've come to. i'm a half. no matter where i am for christmas...be it "this side" or the "other side", i'm still and always will be a half. every christmas, there's something missing. there are some people missing. 

there has always been someone missing. 

i've always felt that i can only succeed in making half of myself happy. because i only always have half of my heart with me at christmas. only half. the other half is always with someone else. and that someone else, is always never there to give it back to me or to make me whole. it's what i feel every year. therefore, i've become immune. almost numb to the fact that, well, i'm a half. 

do i blame my parents for ripping me in two? two birthdays meaning two parties, two cakes, two different set of guests, two different locations, two different sets of gifts..

i had always found that great. being the kid that i was. which kid wouldn't? 

what about christmas though? two christmases? 

if only christmas was as simple as a birthday, right? it isnt that simple. there is NO such fucking thing as two christmases. every christmas, every year, is the time i get ripped into two. it started out with me being with daddy every christmas eve. obviously, that changed given the circumstances. that changed along with my age. along with my age came a little more wisdom, a little more insight. with my age, came a lot more hatred for what i was at christmas. 

a half. 

if it were a mere divorce, it wouldnt be quite so complicated. when you die, it's different. i dont blame my mother for wanting me every christmas now. honestly, i dont. i dont blame "this side" of the family for wanting that at all. i blame them for thinking that the "other side" is a lot less important to me. i wonder if they realise that he WAS after all, my father. and that the "other side" IS after all, HIS family. which makes THEM as important to ME.  

i think they think that just because he's gone in person, he's gone in spirit. i dont think that he's gone in spirit. honestly, and i'm not crazy, i think that he'll be waiting for me this christmas. if "this side" thinks that i'm going to the "other side" cos i'm gonna have more fun, they are sadly mistaken. i'll be a half, like always. i just wanna spend this christmas trying to remember what it was like when he was around. maybe if i try hard enough, i will. christmas eve was OUR thing. and with one fatal heart attack, it was taken away from us. 

my mum respects my decision. she knows that i have every right, especially now that i'm older. i'm so grateful that she's not selfish that way. 

as for the other person, i know she'll never understand. she'll never understand  what it feels like..

being a half. 

somebody's 20 today

                                                                thaaaayne the paaaaayne! 

wow i cant believe you're TWENTY! you're five years away to being a quarter of a century old! 

sorry, not helping. 

anyway, since this IS a tribute to youuuu, i supposed i MUST do what i can to sing your praises throughout this (very painful) post. 

kidding, you know i love you. 

hmm, i've known you for what....almost 11 years now? well, give or take. and it's been great. i'm glad i have someone like you that i can talk to about almost anything in the world from heartbreak to.............msn fonts. LOL. doesn't get better than that eh? still sucks that you're so far away tho. but not for long, hopefully ;) 

                                                           i'm sorry, i couldn't resist. HAH!

all in all, i hope you have/are having/had (i have no idea when you're gonna read this) a grrrrrreat birthday! along with many more to come. cant wait to see you!  it's gonna be a blast ;)

                                                             just cos i love this picture :)

all my love, 

L

xoxo

merdeka!

spm is over.

i am ecstatic.

i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. 

or the next day.

or the day after that.

how.goddamn.awesome.is.that?

SPM

hiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatus!

merde.

6A's

 looks okay on paper, doesnt feel even CLOSE to okay in here.

merde. 

Falcons, that's right! FIGHT!

oh gawd i am such a wreck. one massive emotional trainwreck. was watching the Cheer '08 dvd (which i just received) just now. saw us perform and started tearing like an incredible psychofreak. 

but honestly, i'm missing everything about it. the fantastic squad. each one of them. we're a family and in some small (however small it may be) part of our hearts, we always will be. we'll always share that same series of memories. it's something we'll ALL have in common for the rest of our lives. steph, azarea, ima and i may be leaving. but it doesn't mean that we'll forget. it was a jolly good time spent, AND well spent too. in my opinion, each one of us has a little something new embedded in us that we'd obtained from cheer. from each other. something new that we'd never known before. a new sense of discipline, respect even. for seniors and for each member alike. a sense of responsibility, holding someone's life in the palm of your hands (literally, mind you) and also a sense of belonging..belonging to something you love that makes you happy and brings you joy, say, at the end of a tough day at school. there's also the freedom of expression at cheer. not only perkiness! all the time, but sometimes tears as well. tears of frustration, tears out of anger. tears of pain. 

as long and as hard as the tears flow, your squad never backs away. never.

everyone's always there for each other. always sharing. sharing laughs, the occassional gossip, drinks, snacks...just plain sharing. we've got each other's backs literally, and always. stress may come and go, anger may come and go, but team spirit is everlasting. i'm going to miss that very team spirit. i dont know if i can find it anywhere else. i'm half hoping that i wont, so that i can hold on to this forever, and not have to replace it. i'm gonna do my best to help them out as much as i can when i'm out of school. i want them to do better next year. i want them to have what i feel at this very moment to pass on to the future Falcons of SSB. i want them to be THIS proud. i just sincerely hope that the team spirit will never fade or get corrupted by outside influences because right now, it's as pure as it can be. 

remember girls, we are a team. no matter what happens, we always will be. 

we are a legacy.

cheery coke.

cheery coke, not cherry coke. (no it wasn't a typo, you can stop rubbing your eyes now it looks silly) 

anyway, a fling? 

fling, huh?                                     fling...

aaaaaaaaaah fling.

hmm...   :)

Selamat Hari Raya

I would like to wish all my Muslim friends a very VERY SELAMAT HARI RAYA! Hope you guys enjoy yourselves to the max, and i also hope you g  uys STAY SAFE! *ahemAMARahem* 

went to lunch with the cousins yesterday at Bubba Gump at the curve. was fun, glad i could find a way to go. good bonding time which we SHOULD DO MORE OFTEN when shilps is around. good food, needless to say. Nirwan and i had the bourbon something something baramundi (haha, cant remember the name!) and BORING ol' Nish and Shilpa had..

 fish       and       chips.

wow! *dies of excitement* lol. not adventurous at all these two are. seriously. anyway, halfway throughout the meal shilpa starts laughing for no apparent reason (and she claims I'M the stupidest one in the family now) HAH. you wish, child ;) though i openly admit i've had a few bimbo moments here and there recently. but, i could NEVER take her place as the bimbo of the family. never, i'd never do that you :) unanimously, it has been agreed that she's made her mark as the BIM of the family. i shall not disclose all the BIM things you've said and done here, due to my undying love for you. haha. what's important is that WE know. hehe. 

oh yeah, it took so long for our food to come so nish came to the conclusion that it was because we were indians. hahahaha. so while we were eating, this other family came to sit at a table next to ours. 

Nish : Poor Indians..

lol. their food came fast though. unfair! so after lunch we walked to cineleisure cos they were gonna watch a movie. i had to go though so i couldnt watch with them. went to meet mum at borders after that and went to buy my dress! 

okay, dress(es) wasnt planning on buying more than one, but they were quite cheap and quite....irresistable!

   

i loved the print :D

and this, which i wore to the KA 25th Anniversary Dinner&Dance..

and we must have a demure looking good girl dress now, musn't we?

heeheeeee! got new shoes also, but no picture. mum went on a pretty insane shopping spree as well. especially on shoes. gosh, that woman. no guessing where i got it from, straight from the mothership i tell you! it's good to have a mum who enjoys it as much as you do. it's fun. 

today, we went to uncle hamzah's for raya lunch. yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy rendang man! wooooh! and the cakes and cookies! aunty liyana is the BOMB at making desserts.

anyway, gotta go now. more soon.

lol

[22:29:16] Nirshad says: 

PiNk RuLeZ

it's not everyday something like that happens. well done, cousin. 

L O L

nooooooooo!

my mum. had. the Dior Cherie. and. she. gave. it. away.

sadness fills this room tonight :'(

happy birthday LL!

you're so far away. and i miss you like PHUCK. it ain't the same honey. 

Happy 17th, ham! 

*cue LL, "WOW an entire post for ME!"*

yeah, you're that special. hope you had truckloads of fun!

love you ham. looong time.

xx

 

bliss.

this feeling. like i can BREATHE again.

is bliss.

p.s. i need to shop before i drop!

whoooooopdeedoO!

okay so chem  kinda sucked royal arse. BUT. all is well in this world of mine.

i bet bet BET you wanna know why!!!

BECAUSE........ *giggles*

*giggles more!*

my babies arrived today ;)

aaaaaand...

!!!!!

lol. MUST LA camwhore a bit ;)

 clothesbucket!! *clickclick* 

air mata bergenang

there will ALWAYS be something waiting around the bend to make me cry when i just really, really have to focus and get something done. 

no shit, really. i'm really not exaggerating. 

always. 

and if God's testing me, i'm still standing. 

though i'm hanging on by a thread.

oh no.

feels like i'm falling into this endless ditch. slowly but surely. you know how when things fall, they start slow and then pick up in speed? simple physics, no? yes well, first you tip over that fucking cliff. then you actually realise that you're off that fucking cliff. then your heart tickles with the feeling of falling. 

faster, faster, faster. 

while you're falling, you dont exactly turn back to look at that fucking cliff, do you? you look forward...downwards. downwards to your so-called future. downwards to what you have to look forward to. downwards to the ground..the bottom of that fucking cliff. the last place you wanna be because you know it's not the place for you to be. downwards. where you're gonna land flat on your face with the joke finally on you. nobody there but you. nobody to listen but you. nobody to 'help carry that cross', so to speak. 

looking downwards, you dont really remember any of that cliff you fell off of. what did it look like? heck, how the fuck did i fall? there's no telling how many memories are lost in the process of falling. what....did i, slip? dont remember. dont remember the cool things on the cliff. the feeling of the wind in your hair standing on top of the cliff. and gosh, the view...simply breathtaking. but when you're falling, falling, falling..you dont think about the wind, your hair, OR the fucking breathtaking view. 

you think about, well, falling. 

falling 

falling...

and before you know it, you die before you even hit the ground.

ode to thayne

thaaaayne,

the paaaaaain,

insaaaaaaane :)

hahaaa just kidding, love ya!

p.s. weirdo

GAHHH!

fuck. shit. crap. FUCK! 

15 . 09 . 2008

FUCCCCCK!  

*cramcramcramcramcramcram*

*dropsdead*

in a nutshell.