dewa-rrraja!

stayed home and studied today. not done actually. ultra history baby. ughh i've had it up to HERE with all the pentadbiran/pemerintahan shit. BUT. it's not like i have a choice. 

so

goodbye :)

fuck this.

it's not like i dont try. i do, i swear. but what happens when the barrier doesnt seem to budge? what happens when whatever you do, you just CANT bloody focus anymore?? what happens when the odds are against you and there really doesnt seem to be a chance for everything to just 'magically' turn around for the better? 

what happens then?

honestly, i'm this close to giving up. i know it's my own fault/loss. i mean, no one's ever gonna see me as something else like this. i dont get how other people can see "WOW" and i just see "ugghh.." when i look in the mirror. not because of the outward appearance, but because of who i am. other people dont see me for who i am, and the scary part is, only i do. only i know what's gonna come outta me. only i know how hard i work. only i know what i can accomplish. i wish i could tell everyone else to stop getting their hopes up because i'm afraid they'll all be very sadly disappointed. i'd rather just disappoint myself and live with it then bring people down with me. at least they'd be happy even if i'm not. besides, i'm good at wearing masks. i've got all types.

 i just want them to see me for who i really am, and not some 'harapan bestari'.

this bites.

friggin SKID MARKS. seriously.

whatthehell! 

*crawls into necessary hiding* 

au revoir :((((

siiiiigh.

my skin's been quite bad lately. like, from the heat or maybe even stress? what puzzles me is that it never happens to me. bad skin, i mean. i dont mean to brag or anything but i have an impeccable complexion. 

or, well, HAD. :(

PLUS. there's a minor burn scar at the side of my face ( near my forehead/ear)-ish because of...

well it's kinda embarassing and bimbotic..

cos of me burning myself with the straightening iron.

i know i know. and no, it's not my first time using an iron. i guess i just sorta...missed? lol. *smacks self on head* anyway, so yeah there's a tiny burn line. thank god it isnt obvious as no one has noticed yet. 

on a SO-NOT happier note, trials start on the 15th. i think i'll be okay, really. it's just history that i gotta really concentrate on now. now that i actually GET chemistry, i'm a little more optimistic. just a little. a little.  

today at shool we camwhored a little with nik's camera. we're taking new yearbook pics cos the ones taken by the so-called professionals were apparently really bad. cik nor lezah doesnt know about our little plot so it's kinda being done....illegally. 

i feel like a crrrriminal! whee.

besides that, i'm kinda disappointed with my position in class this time around. it isnt THAT bad but it's PRETTY bad for me. i was pleasantly surprised tho that i got all A's besides add math. which i happened to have, well, failed. but yeah, all A's is good. its just the add math that pulled me down. ugh, i just wish this test MEANT something. too bad it doesnt. so no, i'm no brilliant child prodigy. one can dream tho. 

well, i should go hit the books now. heh.  

sad

was reading up on the lina joy case earlier. for no apparent reason, was just thinking about it. this is what was said regarding lina's appeal.

"We invite anyone who feels that they are aggrieved or victimized within the current system to choose other, less confrontational and controversial attempts towards change and reform."

less confrontational and controversial attempts?? do they seriously think that lina CHOSE deliberately to be controversial? it isnt her fault that THE SYSTEM screwed up thus causing controversy. anyway, CHANGE and REFORM is SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROVERSIAL! it would not be called change OR reform if it weren't. why? are they scared of a challenge? of a little controversy? if their foundation was strong in the first place (i.e. including systems that DO NOT screw people over), they probably would not have made such a pussy statement. 

it's like saying...'Oh, just whisper softly...softly you know..in the ear of any tom, dick or harry who will listen, the next time you want to make a change. that will suffice lah." 

yeah. it will definitely suffice to make it easier to cover up AND shut her up while they're at it. 

democracy, you say? well i've got news for you. this is NOT what i signed up for. 

geez, ENOUGH already, okay?

i was blog-hopping earlier, and i came across a blog where i found out that the supporters of the Dynamitez of SMK DJ were hurling rude remarks and demoralising insults at the Stunners All-girls of Sri KDU. 

during. the Stunners'. routine.

i mean, COME ON. i can totally relate to why the Stunners are so upset. i come from a private school too and i know how students from government schools look at us. and in our defence, i know SO MANY people from GOVERNMENT schools who play the part of the altruistic "spoiled brat" (as you people so eloquently phrase it) so much better than we do. let's get one thing straight here people. WE of THIS GENERATION are EQUAL. it DOESNT MATTER what TYPE of SCHOOLS we come from, what our FINANCIAL BACKGROUNDS might be like, we are all fucking EQUAL. 

you know why?

let me educate you.

this is because ..

our ATTITUDES do NOT DEPEND on WHERE we got to SCHOOL.

our ATTITUDES depend on the PEOPLE we GREW UP around.

our ATTITUDES depend on WHO our FRIENDS are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how MATURE we are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how SMART we are.

NOT

how RICH we are.

who DRIVES us around.

WHAT DRIVES us around.

how we SHOP.

where we GO ON HOLIDAY.

and FYI, not ALL students of private schools are rich, as you think they are. i'm most certainly not. so please, DO NOT assume. to go to private school does not mean you HAVE to be rich. it simply means you have the money to get by comfortably. there IS a difference between that and being rich. you see, there's 

COMFORTABLE

and there's 

RICH

see?

and being RICH is not a crime. i know rich people who are the nicest people in the world. many of them are actually. those who do not flaunt what they have. the humble ones. and i'm more than sure that they are students with more-than-steady financial backing at SMK DJ. so please, do not judge. you come from a reputable and admired school. yes, SMK DJ is ADMIRED by even PRIVATE SCHOOL STUDENTS. students like me. yes, i DO admire your school. the students. the accomplishments. truly, i do.

then you guys go and say things like that about the Stunners? 

i must say. i have a little less respect for you now.

hi :)

well i wont say for sure that i have in fact found my passion for blogging again, but i thought maybe i'd give it a shot again. try to uhh, rekindle the flame. so to speak. so yeah, nothing much has been going lately besides the fact that everyone's kinda shivering in their panties in apprehension as to whether or not they'll be chosen for NS. this is inclusive of, well, me. of course. the final list was SUPPOSED to be out today but you know, you never know.

now let's take a short HAPPY SLIP break, shall we? hehe. brb :) 

back! omg happy slip is the FUNNIEST ever! go check it out at www.youtube.com/happyslip. okay, i digress :) so back to what i was talking about, many people at school have gotten NS so far and really, i wish them the best best BEST of luck and also the best of CAMPS. lol. i hear the sabah/sarawak camps are AWESOME in comparison to the ones here. 

you know, i've been thinking lately, about what makes me tick. what drives me to make decisions, what prompts me to say the right or wrong things, what gets me so wound up that i could actually tear an actual cow in half with my bare hands, what makes me sad or just plain WHAT GETS ME OUTTA BED EVERY MORNING???

so i thought to myself, 'huh, interesting thought." so i thought somemore.

1. i make a decision when i see my life before me as a busy junction in malaysia. where-to-go? which route? oh shit! big truck! WHO'S HOOTING!? mother****** dunno how to drive is it??!

2. usually i say ALL the wrong things when i'm uspet. i'm creature of impulse. i dont THINK, i just word vomit.

3. when i DO say the right things, which i'd like to think i do quite often, i say them because i look at things through the eyes of whoever i'm saying them to. what would they WANT to hear not putting aside the truth? how would they feel if i said that? what would make them feel like they've actually gotten somewhere with that conversation? i confess, the usage of white lies are not alien to me. but to me, they can only be used when it's absolutely critical. to give the other party a little boost of confidence.

4. if i were to list all the things that get me wound up or P.O.-ed as we call it, i'd be here...in my room....staring at the screen....brain turned to unmitigated mush...typing and typing...till christmas '10. SO. looooooooooooooooooong story short. one thing that pisses me off is how people nowadays think they can buy love with money. just like that. ka-chinggg! here's your love! would you like fries with that, sir? i mean, HELLO! GET REAL! it's SAD and eminently demoralising. but it's happening. and guys, i dont mean to totally kill your game, but it's usually you. remember people, platinum aint love.

5. it makes me sad when i hear of child abuse, animal abuse, wars, world war 28 in families..those sorta things. it makes me sad also when people dont trust you the way they should. or the way you think they did. makes you feel like a fool, really. doesnt make you trust them any less though. whether that's a good or bad thing remains a mystery to me.

and lastly,

6. GOD gets me outta bed every morning. the very core of my being. the reason my foundation can never be shaken. it's Him who tells me that everything's okay when i go to sleep at night. and Him who says, "Wake up! it's a sunny day!" (okay maybe that's just caitliyne, but figuratively, yeah totally Him) even when the heavens are pouring outside. my family gets me outta bed every day. the thought every morning of getting up, getting ready for school, going downstairs and seeing the kids brings me joy beyond anything i could ever imagine. *whispers* and these arent even MY kids! but yeah, my family. my friends get me outta bed every day. the laughing and jubilant, ecstatic smiles. the deep, thoughtful conversations. the sharing of secrets. the occassional Gossip Girl episodes. bitch fights. the warm hugs and linking of arms. the way us girls laugh with our eyes, across the classroom. the comfort and the feeling of, "hey, you know, this feels like home.." when you're miles away from your doorstep. gotta love it.

till next time. 

applπ!

i won't be blogging much anymore. i've decided that blogs are for the sole purpose of expressing oneself with passion. 

PASSION.

and that, my dear readers, i've not at present.

ciao bella-s. 

hope to be back soon.

let's be optimistic here.

there are so many weird little things that fascinate me. 

1. the way a one year old grabs your finger and leads you somewhere, walking with such conviction, and you not knowing where he's taking you or what's going on in his little mind.

2. the way people look when they don't agree with what's being said by someone else. the expression on their faces when they think no one's looking.

3. how so many people don't acknowledge what's being said by another if they just don't get it. a sort of awkward silence.

4. the way a person's ego is affected (and how it's shown  on the face) when being ticked off by someone they have absolutely no respect for.

5. how toddlers just know when you're down. and know how to just come close, look at you in their special way, and make you feel so much better. 

6. how music, in a cold room, makes you warm. 

7. how retail therapy which on most occassions makes a world of difference, but under certain circumstances, just doesn't.

8. the way a person can feel nothing and be absolutely numb.

9. how people can just do horrible things and not be haunted by their conscience on how they affect people. 

...and counting. 

 

nice picture.

not long more now, till all these kind of pictures become simply a thing of the past. we'll all go out separate ways, some of us never to meet again? i hope not. but it's possible because it's simple reality. maybe not. maybe we'd all still be great friends growing up (or should i say, old) in and out of each others' households, hassle-free. witnessing each other embarking on the journeys that life takes us and holding each other back from the wrong paths, could it be so?it could. it could also be...."hey! i remember him/her! hmm...what ever happened, i wonder..did (he or she)  graduate/get married/have kids/end up doing drugs/end up in jail/migrate/drop out/join a cult/become a CEO/go bankrupt/move back home, ETC. ? take your pick. i've seen it happen before my very eyes. from being as thick as thieves to not recognising each other on the street. 

people change, situations and times change with them. 

let's not leave the pictures behind, kay?

love you all xx

shoot me.

this will NOT do. i worked, i did. i knew what i was doing, I DID. this cannot be. if this is supposed to be my best, i dont know what best means anymore. they say a chain is as strong as its weakest link. my chain, fuck only GOD knows. this always happens. nothing different or even remotely good in this sense can ever, ever, EVER happen to me.

i hate this feeling. 

and guess what, no one's there to catch me.

dum dee dum dum dum .

exams are over (unless est 1 tomorrow is counted) which it is SO not. i'm not being over-confident. just plain honest. there is NOTHING that you can study for est. except knowing the formats for the essays. so yeah, two weeks of holidays after this and then it's back to hitting the books. i hope. very short post. nothing much is going on. 

help me!

i wanna go for marie digby tomorrow!

but! i! have! NO! transport!

i dont really wanna go to see HER. just to get out. and catch up with my lovelies. 

but! now! i! CANT!

unless, by some stroke of luck, transport comes knocking on my door.

i! want! to! DIE!

well, not really. but yeah, you get my drift :(

in the midst of hell

exams started on monday (yesterday). had bm and history yesterday and one english paper and the other history paper. history was okay overall. quite good actually. tomorrow's english only so i have lots of time to study chem in the library. hence, the blogging and laziness. read like 3/4 of the 8th volume of singapore ghost stories in the library today and freaked myself out totally. thank god i wasnt alone. there was an ENTIRE SECTION on ghost attacks on students in the middle of exams. i was like, SHIT. what are the odds..surprisingly i didnt shut the book at the speed of light and toss it out the window towards the nearest car to be squished into oblivion. i guess there is a fraction of bravery in me. 

somewhere. you'll see. one day.

okay, even i dont believe that. MOVING ON. after school i went to primary for a while to kill time and miss nicole was telling us more ghost stories from the TSGS books. how she can remember so many stories is a mystery to me. i read like 3/4 of the book and all i could come up with was like two stories. yes, that's all thats left of my memory skills for ya. she teman-ed me back to sec and told me MORE stories while i was waiting for pn rohaya. 

come to think of it, i'm like alone right now.

yikes. okay MOVING ON again! nothing else has been going on lately. my social life is completely down the drain due to exams (imagine SPM, laila). right. sigh. anyway, cant wait for exams to be over. then its PARTAAAY time! well, for like, 2 seconds la. then its back to preparing for trials and then SPM. 

okay this is sorta besides any point but i'm totally hooked on eskulin kids hand sanitizer. and quadratini napolitaner. 

cant wait for mum to get back. TONIGHT! yay. 

DIE-lemma.

this is what i wanted. it is. why, then, do i feel so empty inside? i dont know what i'm trying to accomplish by doing this. i dont know what the hell i'm trying to prove. independance? no.. discipline? HELL no. honestly, i've never EVER been so lost in this place i call my OWN life. i need some sort of sign indicating just a hint of what i'm supposed to do with myself. cos i just have no clue whatsoever on how to deal. i know i should quit whining because hey, I WANTED THIS. but what's whining good for if not for things like this. i want so many things. to go to so many places. to meet so many people. many , MANY , MANY! heck, i dont know any other word. i guess that's why i disappoint myself time after time. because i just dont know how to push myself to the limit to get the MANY things that i want. i do it the wrong way, at least. pushing people away, pushing actual relevent work aside. doing all the wrong things. what do i get in the end? hurt&disappointed. i hurt and disappoint the people who love me. i cant afford to do this anymore.


i'm so done.





IN OUT

making breaking

lovin' it!

i.found.my.dress!

just you wait.

05 - 04 - 2008

lol.

got this from neera, dont know if any have seen it. enjoy.

BLOODY hell.

it's been long! well, 2008 is here 3months in and i've done




ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOTHING.




spm this year, mind you. scared shitless especially after results for 07 came in. our school did terrribly if you ask me. except ruhana of course (11 a1s baby!) came as quite of a shock how disappointing last years results were. anyway, so i'm sitting here doing nothing and i decide to blog right (dedicated to LL) and i cant think of anything worth blogging about. well yeah i mean there are SO MANY things in my life that are of worth but none really that would be appreciated via blogspot. you know? so. i'm just going to blog about what's going thru my mind atm. pure spontaneity ya. i'm thinking about whether i should have dinner since i ate maggi mee at about 5pm. i'm guessing not. so lazy to go downstairs. i'm also thinking about whether or not to finish my add maths tuition homework lol. or maybe i'll just do it tmrw. another thing on my mind is the dublin literary. half of me wants to sit down and pen my thoughts but the other has completely no faith. how la? difficult topic man, tomorrow's world. i mean, it isnt DIFFICULT, it's just so bloody general and and and and and WHAT ON EARTH WOULD ONE WRITE ABOUT!!!!? you know? you might say, "cheh so easy la just write about ......... !" then when you actually think about that ............. , you'd be like, "oh CRAP la." that's the way it goes. anyway, i dont think i'm putting my brain to full use on this cos i know that i COULD think of something to write about if i REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY wanted to. honestly, mum wasnt much help. she just went, "oh if you have nothing to write about dont join la." i'm like oh THANKS mum. sigh. i'm hoping neera has some sort of idea. she is after all the PRO. besides dublin, the only other thing going on is cheer. sports day is on april 5th and our routine has yet to be completed. 5minutes okay! no joke! so we're kinda panicking and practicing till the cows come home but the growth of our stunts are well, stunted. especially the basket pikes. it's good enough, but not guaranteed that it will be on sports day! oh yeah and did i mention that my BACK is BROKEN because of the basket pikes. GOSH.


okay, i've decided to include some jokes. blondes are killer okay. these are the top ten blonde jokes (in uk supposedly) and if you dont know what blonde jokes are you can just go jump off a building RIGHT NOW.

(in reverse order, best last-in our case, number 1)


10. If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!


9. The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


8. A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"


7. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".


6. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!


5. Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.

She looked down, then got run over by the train!


4. A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.

The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


3. A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"


2. A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


1. A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




honestly, i've heard better ones. come on uk!

anyway, ENJOY!

i need.

i need something to do.

i need someplace to go.

i need someone who gets it.

i need to feel like it's not always me.

i need to look and find things that make sense.

i need to stop my habit of wishful thinking.

i need to rely more on something bigger than me.

i need to cry and cry and cry.

i need that shoulder.

i need to stop crying.

i need to fight for personal independance.

i need to quit fighting the damn system.

i need to be less afraid.

i need to learn to love.

i need to learn to forgive.

i need to want to forgive.

i need to stop acting because the costume REALLY itches...




....in this life that is nowadays too fucked up for words.

DAMN it's been long.

i know i know. it's been AGES. but yeah i've been quite preoccupied with school and exams and all that jazz so i couldn't really blog much. ok fine, at all. there have been lots of things happening lately! one of them being my ability to talk to neera in uk online (i thought at first i wouldn't be able to. her schedule and all) so i found out that she's in musical heaven (wish i was there!) and also celeb heaven! yeah yeah. keira knightley was there and christian slater and dustin hoffman and kelly osbourne. she saw michael caine at the airport as well. AND i now know that a siew pau in london is rm7. one siew pau. tim perreau would SO not be able to survive there!


besides that, a few of us performed for fr.mitchel's birthday party the other day. some of us (gifford, primo, sheyna, LEON, belle, dhayang, and i) did a few of the witness songs. and some of us (megan, mae, jacq, kristie, SHERWIN, and i) did grrrrease lightning! you know, the dance. duh.

mind you, LEON is in caps because he's the vocal prodigy of the group and manyMANYMANY groups, i'm sure. and SHERWIN is in caps cos well, he's a dood. and not all doods would dance to grrrease lightning with 5 other girls okay? takes some serious balls man. respect brotha!


did i just say brotha?



anyway. mooooving on. HAHA. i found out the other day that thaddeus' sister does not eat lamb because she loves sheep. omg la how cute is that? she eats beef tho cos apparently, and i quote from thad, "cows are stupid". lol. she does in fact have a sheepskin rug (the one like mine).

so i ask.

me : so she loves sheep but she has a sheepskin rug??
thad : yeah la cos you dont kill it what you only shave the fella!
me : ...oh yeah.


hmmm. besides that what else happened?

oh yeah. been doing yearbook editing for the pass two days. it's cool la, got to learn loads about photoshop. (dont feel like such a noob anymore!) but it has its downsides la. like, a headache the size of pahang and johor put together at the end of the day. gosh. the yearbook bettr be one HELLUVA YEARBOOK this year! i've yet to learn how to create layouts and all tho. i gotta get my own photoshop for that. and for THAT to happen, i have to get my M-A-C! which brings us to the next hot topic.

mum promised to get me a macbook soon since i gotta learn photoshop and get skype and the whole enchilada. you might ask...why not get skype on this old computer? well. i cant. simply because, my laptop is SO FULL OF STUFF that i CANNOT DELETE like my school stuff, pekas, songs, pictures and whatnot so if i install skype, it'll just completely crash. ask anyone, my hair grows faster than my computer loads. seriously doods. so yeah. i need bigger, better, new and improved, completely re-booted MEMORY! and cool stuff that comes with a mac too la duh. so NOW, due to the whole worlds' master conspiracy to crush my dreams, i'll probably only get it in december. thats worst case senario la. I HOPE.

i know i know, you must be thinking oooh spoilt BRAT! but nooooooo noooooo..i'm really hoping to get it by mid november somewhat like the original plan. no wait..the original plan was like..october. hence the dream crushing drama. sighighigh. nevermind! well well well..hmm what else? oh yeah i've fallen for another phone. (not to say i'm not still in love with mine but lets just say i'm cheating on it, shall we?)

it's the nokia n76! in red!

i'm lazy to put the picture lah so just google it if you want kay? yeah it's a girly girl phone. the red one la. it has like a sort of mirror on the front. ain't that just awesome, girls? JUST what we need ;) seriously. well it looks a lot like the razr but i've always liked the razr so whattheheck! its nokia! its just like heaven! i want it but i dont know if i'd get it. mum said put it on my christmas list and maybe someone or some people would like to pitch in and get me one. wishful wishful thinking yet weirdly realistic. or maybe it's just my OTT positive and optimistic view on the topic.


that's been the life lately. not too bad. nottttt complaining. about any of the above la :) that's all for now. goodnight!!



oh yeah random thought, i think fuck-me-boots are kinda cool. i'd never wear them tho. hehe.