fuck this.

it's not like i dont try. i do, i swear. but what happens when the barrier doesnt seem to budge? what happens when whatever you do, you just CANT bloody focus anymore?? what happens when the odds are against you and there really doesnt seem to be a chance for everything to just 'magically' turn around for the better? 

what happens then?

honestly, i'm this close to giving up. i know it's my own fault/loss. i mean, no one's ever gonna see me as something else like this. i dont get how other people can see "WOW" and i just see "ugghh.." when i look in the mirror. not because of the outward appearance, but because of who i am. other people dont see me for who i am, and the scary part is, only i do. only i know what's gonna come outta me. only i know how hard i work. only i know what i can accomplish. i wish i could tell everyone else to stop getting their hopes up because i'm afraid they'll all be very sadly disappointed. i'd rather just disappoint myself and live with it then bring people down with me. at least they'd be happy even if i'm not. besides, i'm good at wearing masks. i've got all types.

 i just want them to see me for who i really am, and not some 'harapan bestari'.