i dont understand why they dont understand. i dont understand why they think they are superior to the "other side" of my family. why? is it because you monopolise most of my time? is it because we're more closely knit? 

news flash.

the "other side" is all i have left to remember the "other half" of me. his side whose blood runs through my veins. should his side not be treated as one of equal importance? to you, of course not. another news flash. i do not, i repeat, DO NOT remember what it feels like to be completely, utterly happy at christmas. i swear on my life, i do not. i'll tell you why. 

i'm a half. 

through about 30 minutes of crying my eyes out, trying to make sense of this emptiness and this frustration, that's the conclusion i've come to. i'm a half. no matter where i am for christmas...be it "this side" or the "other side", i'm still and always will be a half. every christmas, there's something missing. there are some people missing. 

there has always been someone missing. 

i've always felt that i can only succeed in making half of myself happy. because i only always have half of my heart with me at christmas. only half. the other half is always with someone else. and that someone else, is always never there to give it back to me or to make me whole. it's what i feel every year. therefore, i've become immune. almost numb to the fact that, well, i'm a half. 

do i blame my parents for ripping me in two? two birthdays meaning two parties, two cakes, two different set of guests, two different locations, two different sets of gifts..

i had always found that great. being the kid that i was. which kid wouldn't? 

what about christmas though? two christmases? 

if only christmas was as simple as a birthday, right? it isnt that simple. there is NO such fucking thing as two christmases. every christmas, every year, is the time i get ripped into two. it started out with me being with daddy every christmas eve. obviously, that changed given the circumstances. that changed along with my age. along with my age came a little more wisdom, a little more insight. with my age, came a lot more hatred for what i was at christmas. 

a half. 

if it were a mere divorce, it wouldnt be quite so complicated. when you die, it's different. i dont blame my mother for wanting me every christmas now. honestly, i dont. i dont blame "this side" of the family for wanting that at all. i blame them for thinking that the "other side" is a lot less important to me. i wonder if they realise that he WAS after all, my father. and that the "other side" IS after all, HIS family. which makes THEM as important to ME.  

i think they think that just because he's gone in person, he's gone in spirit. i dont think that he's gone in spirit. honestly, and i'm not crazy, i think that he'll be waiting for me this christmas. if "this side" thinks that i'm going to the "other side" cos i'm gonna have more fun, they are sadly mistaken. i'll be a half, like always. i just wanna spend this christmas trying to remember what it was like when he was around. maybe if i try hard enough, i will. christmas eve was OUR thing. and with one fatal heart attack, it was taken away from us. 

my mum respects my decision. she knows that i have every right, especially now that i'm older. i'm so grateful that she's not selfish that way. 

as for the other person, i know she'll never understand. she'll never understand  what it feels like..

being a half.