lol

[22:29:16] Nirshad says: 

PiNk RuLeZ

it's not everyday something like that happens. well done, cousin. 

L O L

nooooooooo!

my mum. had. the Dior Cherie. and. she. gave. it. away.

sadness fills this room tonight :'(

happy birthday LL!

you're so far away. and i miss you like PHUCK. it ain't the same honey. 

Happy 17th, ham! 

*cue LL, "WOW an entire post for ME!"*

yeah, you're that special. hope you had truckloads of fun!

love you ham. looong time.

xx

 

bliss.

this feeling. like i can BREATHE again.

is bliss.

p.s. i need to shop before i drop!

whoooooopdeedoO!

okay so chem  kinda sucked royal arse. BUT. all is well in this world of mine.

i bet bet BET you wanna know why!!!

BECAUSE........ *giggles*

*giggles more!*

my babies arrived today ;)

aaaaaand...

!!!!!

lol. MUST LA camwhore a bit ;)

 clothesbucket!! *clickclick* 

air mata bergenang

there will ALWAYS be something waiting around the bend to make me cry when i just really, really have to focus and get something done. 

no shit, really. i'm really not exaggerating. 

always. 

and if God's testing me, i'm still standing. 

though i'm hanging on by a thread.

oh no.

feels like i'm falling into this endless ditch. slowly but surely. you know how when things fall, they start slow and then pick up in speed? simple physics, no? yes well, first you tip over that fucking cliff. then you actually realise that you're off that fucking cliff. then your heart tickles with the feeling of falling. 

faster, faster, faster. 

while you're falling, you dont exactly turn back to look at that fucking cliff, do you? you look forward...downwards. downwards to your so-called future. downwards to what you have to look forward to. downwards to the ground..the bottom of that fucking cliff. the last place you wanna be because you know it's not the place for you to be. downwards. where you're gonna land flat on your face with the joke finally on you. nobody there but you. nobody to listen but you. nobody to 'help carry that cross', so to speak. 

looking downwards, you dont really remember any of that cliff you fell off of. what did it look like? heck, how the fuck did i fall? there's no telling how many memories are lost in the process of falling. what....did i, slip? dont remember. dont remember the cool things on the cliff. the feeling of the wind in your hair standing on top of the cliff. and gosh, the view...simply breathtaking. but when you're falling, falling, falling..you dont think about the wind, your hair, OR the fucking breathtaking view. 

you think about, well, falling. 

falling 

falling...

and before you know it, you die before you even hit the ground.

ode to thayne

thaaaayne,

the paaaaaain,

insaaaaaaane :)

hahaaa just kidding, love ya!

p.s. weirdo

GAHHH!

fuck. shit. crap. FUCK! 

15 . 09 . 2008

FUCCCCCK!  

*cramcramcramcramcramcram*

*dropsdead*

in a nutshell.

dewa-rrraja!

stayed home and studied today. not done actually. ultra history baby. ughh i've had it up to HERE with all the pentadbiran/pemerintahan shit. BUT. it's not like i have a choice. 

so

goodbye :)

fuck this.

it's not like i dont try. i do, i swear. but what happens when the barrier doesnt seem to budge? what happens when whatever you do, you just CANT bloody focus anymore?? what happens when the odds are against you and there really doesnt seem to be a chance for everything to just 'magically' turn around for the better? 

what happens then?

honestly, i'm this close to giving up. i know it's my own fault/loss. i mean, no one's ever gonna see me as something else like this. i dont get how other people can see "WOW" and i just see "ugghh.." when i look in the mirror. not because of the outward appearance, but because of who i am. other people dont see me for who i am, and the scary part is, only i do. only i know what's gonna come outta me. only i know how hard i work. only i know what i can accomplish. i wish i could tell everyone else to stop getting their hopes up because i'm afraid they'll all be very sadly disappointed. i'd rather just disappoint myself and live with it then bring people down with me. at least they'd be happy even if i'm not. besides, i'm good at wearing masks. i've got all types.

 i just want them to see me for who i really am, and not some 'harapan bestari'.

this bites.

friggin SKID MARKS. seriously.

whatthehell! 

*crawls into necessary hiding* 

au revoir :((((

siiiiigh.

my skin's been quite bad lately. like, from the heat or maybe even stress? what puzzles me is that it never happens to me. bad skin, i mean. i dont mean to brag or anything but i have an impeccable complexion. 

or, well, HAD. :(

PLUS. there's a minor burn scar at the side of my face ( near my forehead/ear)-ish because of...

well it's kinda embarassing and bimbotic..

cos of me burning myself with the straightening iron.

i know i know. and no, it's not my first time using an iron. i guess i just sorta...missed? lol. *smacks self on head* anyway, so yeah there's a tiny burn line. thank god it isnt obvious as no one has noticed yet. 

on a SO-NOT happier note, trials start on the 15th. i think i'll be okay, really. it's just history that i gotta really concentrate on now. now that i actually GET chemistry, i'm a little more optimistic. just a little. a little.  

today at shool we camwhored a little with nik's camera. we're taking new yearbook pics cos the ones taken by the so-called professionals were apparently really bad. cik nor lezah doesnt know about our little plot so it's kinda being done....illegally. 

i feel like a crrrriminal! whee.

besides that, i'm kinda disappointed with my position in class this time around. it isnt THAT bad but it's PRETTY bad for me. i was pleasantly surprised tho that i got all A's besides add math. which i happened to have, well, failed. but yeah, all A's is good. its just the add math that pulled me down. ugh, i just wish this test MEANT something. too bad it doesnt. so no, i'm no brilliant child prodigy. one can dream tho. 

well, i should go hit the books now. heh.  

sad

was reading up on the lina joy case earlier. for no apparent reason, was just thinking about it. this is what was said regarding lina's appeal.

"We invite anyone who feels that they are aggrieved or victimized within the current system to choose other, less confrontational and controversial attempts towards change and reform."

less confrontational and controversial attempts?? do they seriously think that lina CHOSE deliberately to be controversial? it isnt her fault that THE SYSTEM screwed up thus causing controversy. anyway, CHANGE and REFORM is SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROVERSIAL! it would not be called change OR reform if it weren't. why? are they scared of a challenge? of a little controversy? if their foundation was strong in the first place (i.e. including systems that DO NOT screw people over), they probably would not have made such a pussy statement. 

it's like saying...'Oh, just whisper softly...softly you know..in the ear of any tom, dick or harry who will listen, the next time you want to make a change. that will suffice lah." 

yeah. it will definitely suffice to make it easier to cover up AND shut her up while they're at it. 

democracy, you say? well i've got news for you. this is NOT what i signed up for. 

geez, ENOUGH already, okay?

i was blog-hopping earlier, and i came across a blog where i found out that the supporters of the Dynamitez of SMK DJ were hurling rude remarks and demoralising insults at the Stunners All-girls of Sri KDU. 

during. the Stunners'. routine.

i mean, COME ON. i can totally relate to why the Stunners are so upset. i come from a private school too and i know how students from government schools look at us. and in our defence, i know SO MANY people from GOVERNMENT schools who play the part of the altruistic "spoiled brat" (as you people so eloquently phrase it) so much better than we do. let's get one thing straight here people. WE of THIS GENERATION are EQUAL. it DOESNT MATTER what TYPE of SCHOOLS we come from, what our FINANCIAL BACKGROUNDS might be like, we are all fucking EQUAL. 

you know why?

let me educate you.

this is because ..

our ATTITUDES do NOT DEPEND on WHERE we got to SCHOOL.

our ATTITUDES depend on the PEOPLE we GREW UP around.

our ATTITUDES depend on WHO our FRIENDS are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how MATURE we are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how SMART we are.

NOT

how RICH we are.

who DRIVES us around.

WHAT DRIVES us around.

how we SHOP.

where we GO ON HOLIDAY.

and FYI, not ALL students of private schools are rich, as you think they are. i'm most certainly not. so please, DO NOT assume. to go to private school does not mean you HAVE to be rich. it simply means you have the money to get by comfortably. there IS a difference between that and being rich. you see, there's 

COMFORTABLE

and there's 

RICH

see?

and being RICH is not a crime. i know rich people who are the nicest people in the world. many of them are actually. those who do not flaunt what they have. the humble ones. and i'm more than sure that they are students with more-than-steady financial backing at SMK DJ. so please, do not judge. you come from a reputable and admired school. yes, SMK DJ is ADMIRED by even PRIVATE SCHOOL STUDENTS. students like me. yes, i DO admire your school. the students. the accomplishments. truly, i do.

then you guys go and say things like that about the Stunners? 

i must say. i have a little less respect for you now.

hi :)

well i wont say for sure that i have in fact found my passion for blogging again, but i thought maybe i'd give it a shot again. try to uhh, rekindle the flame. so to speak. so yeah, nothing much has been going lately besides the fact that everyone's kinda shivering in their panties in apprehension as to whether or not they'll be chosen for NS. this is inclusive of, well, me. of course. the final list was SUPPOSED to be out today but you know, you never know.

now let's take a short HAPPY SLIP break, shall we? hehe. brb :) 

back! omg happy slip is the FUNNIEST ever! go check it out at www.youtube.com/happyslip. okay, i digress :) so back to what i was talking about, many people at school have gotten NS so far and really, i wish them the best best BEST of luck and also the best of CAMPS. lol. i hear the sabah/sarawak camps are AWESOME in comparison to the ones here. 

you know, i've been thinking lately, about what makes me tick. what drives me to make decisions, what prompts me to say the right or wrong things, what gets me so wound up that i could actually tear an actual cow in half with my bare hands, what makes me sad or just plain WHAT GETS ME OUTTA BED EVERY MORNING???

so i thought to myself, 'huh, interesting thought." so i thought somemore.

1. i make a decision when i see my life before me as a busy junction in malaysia. where-to-go? which route? oh shit! big truck! WHO'S HOOTING!? mother****** dunno how to drive is it??!

2. usually i say ALL the wrong things when i'm uspet. i'm creature of impulse. i dont THINK, i just word vomit.

3. when i DO say the right things, which i'd like to think i do quite often, i say them because i look at things through the eyes of whoever i'm saying them to. what would they WANT to hear not putting aside the truth? how would they feel if i said that? what would make them feel like they've actually gotten somewhere with that conversation? i confess, the usage of white lies are not alien to me. but to me, they can only be used when it's absolutely critical. to give the other party a little boost of confidence.

4. if i were to list all the things that get me wound up or P.O.-ed as we call it, i'd be here...in my room....staring at the screen....brain turned to unmitigated mush...typing and typing...till christmas '10. SO. looooooooooooooooooong story short. one thing that pisses me off is how people nowadays think they can buy love with money. just like that. ka-chinggg! here's your love! would you like fries with that, sir? i mean, HELLO! GET REAL! it's SAD and eminently demoralising. but it's happening. and guys, i dont mean to totally kill your game, but it's usually you. remember people, platinum aint love.

5. it makes me sad when i hear of child abuse, animal abuse, wars, world war 28 in families..those sorta things. it makes me sad also when people dont trust you the way they should. or the way you think they did. makes you feel like a fool, really. doesnt make you trust them any less though. whether that's a good or bad thing remains a mystery to me.

and lastly,

6. GOD gets me outta bed every morning. the very core of my being. the reason my foundation can never be shaken. it's Him who tells me that everything's okay when i go to sleep at night. and Him who says, "Wake up! it's a sunny day!" (okay maybe that's just caitliyne, but figuratively, yeah totally Him) even when the heavens are pouring outside. my family gets me outta bed every day. the thought every morning of getting up, getting ready for school, going downstairs and seeing the kids brings me joy beyond anything i could ever imagine. *whispers* and these arent even MY kids! but yeah, my family. my friends get me outta bed every day. the laughing and jubilant, ecstatic smiles. the deep, thoughtful conversations. the sharing of secrets. the occassional Gossip Girl episodes. bitch fights. the warm hugs and linking of arms. the way us girls laugh with our eyes, across the classroom. the comfort and the feeling of, "hey, you know, this feels like home.." when you're miles away from your doorstep. gotta love it.

till next time. 

applπ!

i won't be blogging much anymore. i've decided that blogs are for the sole purpose of expressing oneself with passion. 

PASSION.

and that, my dear readers, i've not at present.

ciao bella-s. 

hope to be back soon.

let's be optimistic here.

there are so many weird little things that fascinate me. 

1. the way a one year old grabs your finger and leads you somewhere, walking with such conviction, and you not knowing where he's taking you or what's going on in his little mind.

2. the way people look when they don't agree with what's being said by someone else. the expression on their faces when they think no one's looking.

3. how so many people don't acknowledge what's being said by another if they just don't get it. a sort of awkward silence.

4. the way a person's ego is affected (and how it's shown  on the face) when being ticked off by someone they have absolutely no respect for.

5. how toddlers just know when you're down. and know how to just come close, look at you in their special way, and make you feel so much better. 

6. how music, in a cold room, makes you warm. 

7. how retail therapy which on most occassions makes a world of difference, but under certain circumstances, just doesn't.

8. the way a person can feel nothing and be absolutely numb.

9. how people can just do horrible things and not be haunted by their conscience on how they affect people. 

...and counting. 

 

nice picture.

not long more now, till all these kind of pictures become simply a thing of the past. we'll all go out separate ways, some of us never to meet again? i hope not. but it's possible because it's simple reality. maybe not. maybe we'd all still be great friends growing up (or should i say, old) in and out of each others' households, hassle-free. witnessing each other embarking on the journeys that life takes us and holding each other back from the wrong paths, could it be so?it could. it could also be...."hey! i remember him/her! hmm...what ever happened, i wonder..did (he or she)  graduate/get married/have kids/end up doing drugs/end up in jail/migrate/drop out/join a cult/become a CEO/go bankrupt/move back home, ETC. ? take your pick. i've seen it happen before my very eyes. from being as thick as thieves to not recognising each other on the street. 

people change, situations and times change with them. 

let's not leave the pictures behind, kay?

love you all xx

shoot me.

this will NOT do. i worked, i did. i knew what i was doing, I DID. this cannot be. if this is supposed to be my best, i dont know what best means anymore. they say a chain is as strong as its weakest link. my chain, fuck only GOD knows. this always happens. nothing different or even remotely good in this sense can ever, ever, EVER happen to me.

i hate this feeling. 

and guess what, no one's there to catch me.