christmas

yes. christmas. 

nothing much to say about it really, for once. 

yes. quite pathetic. 

anyway, i cleaned my room today (YAY me!) and it's looking a lot better. no, really. mum made me cos we're having guests on sunday so my room "has to be presentable and cleeean" ugh. so yeah, cleaned it. all by myself. sigh. just finished lunch today when azlieff called.

"okay okay come out now!"

"huh?? what are you talking about?"

"come out now! faster! we're outside!"

*peers out the window*

"haiyo you guys ahhh.."

went to change and we (amin, azlieff and i) went to secret recipe cos azlieff hadn't eaten. lepak-ed for a while and then amin sent me home. they told me all about the pondan adventures. lol. and gossip! heeee. got home and was supposed to continue cleaning but i fell asleep instead. woke up just in the nick of time (moments before mum stepped through the door) and made it as if i'd been cleaning all that time. haha. give the girl an oscar!

aunty uma and ashwini came over for dinner. went to my grandma's house after that and all of us chatted till about 11pm. came home and aunty uma left. twas a relatively "okay" day. 

didnt feel 'it' quite so much today. 

84th post

it's not exactly a bombastic number but, heh. 

sang today at one utama. i think they sang better at one world tho. i have to say, they sang 

SO.

EFFING.

WELL.

at one world. i'm sad that i wasnt a part of that performance. argh. siiiigh. aanyway, after that i went to le meridien for mum's and aunty lili's birthday dinner organised by aunty lc and uncle tow. 

OH.

MY.

EFFING.

GOSH.

it's a restaurant call al-naufourah (i think), arabian/moroccan restaurant. the food was

SO.

BLOODY.

ORGASMIC.

especially the creme brulee-ish thing that eventhough i was stuffed to the bloody brim i still managed to put away. yay me. at that point i was thinking...'shit, i'm soooo not eating for two weeks'.

haha, yeah right. food is the one thing i'd never give up. like ever.

EVER. 

so yeah there were these awesome dips and stuff. i love dips. dips rock my socks. as dinner went on, the birthday girls proceeded to cutting the cake and the everyone exchanged christmas presents (yes, early i know. but we dont see each other for christmas so YEAHH) and we all got some pretty cool things. 

oh there was a skinny-as-HELL bellydancer. so skinny. SO so skinny. like, her abdomen viewed from the side is as thin as my macbook. 

bitch. 

good bellydancer tho. heh. 

okay, i'm gonna go now. more updates soon. 

p/s : your battery dying mid-sentence was SO NOT funny. grr.  

wild child.

good movie! i liked it. hilarious at some parts. saw it with..

THAAAAAYNE! he's HOOOOOME! *big big smile*

p/s : who said i wasnt enthusiastic/ acknowledging your presence? now the entire world wide web knows ;)  

got this off LL. just thought i'd humour me.

What Lailazechariah Means

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. (lol i wish!) Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are usually the best at everything (???!) ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are incredibly wise and perceptive. You have a lot of life experience. You are a natural peacemaker, and you are especially good at helping others get along. But keeping the peace in your own life is not easy. You see things very differently, and it's hard to get you to budge. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

ehmagaawwd.

it is 3 am. i cannot sleep. went to bed at like 1o pm. read for a bit, finished my book. started another one. got a bit sick of words. just sorta lay there pathetically, thinking about stuff. deleted stuff from my phone. carried on with the laying-there-like-a-pathetic-idiot sequence. 

and here i am. 

i'm not even SLEEPY! what the hell is up with my body clock! at first i thought the reason i couldnt sleep was because i was afraid of having a bad dream. but HELLO BRAIN! I'M SO NOT AFRAID ANYMORE! TIME TO SHUT DOWN! hmmph. come on man. honestly. it's not cool. 

i think i cant sleep because i'm thinking too much. yeah, thats probably it. eventful day, see. it's gonna take a while for things to sort of...ease. but still, no reason to keep me awake, eh conscience? please quit being a bitch, do me a fucking solid, and let.me.sleeeeep. 

then again i suppose verbally abusing my conscience is not gonna do me any good. it will just aggravate it even more, hence generating irritation and anger HENCE me being here again at like 5am. excuse my ranting, i'm sleep deprived. i dont even know if i'll remember doing this when i wake up (that's if i ever get around to sleeping) in the morning. 

since i have absolutely no better place to be at this present moment, here are a few things i'd like to do throughout these few weeks to keep myself occupied/sane :

1. go out more - dear friends, you know what to do. 

2. read more books - adri, i could actually use that borders voucher(s) right about now.

3. be a temporary food connoisseur - food is the ONLY thing in life that never lets me down. 

4. like, never EVER. 

5. go christmas shopping - for me

6. go christmas shopping - for other people (isupposeimust)

7. clean my room - am genuinely afraid. only the Lord Almighty knows what lies beneath it all. 

8. get some cash - LOTS of cash wouldn't hurt too much either. 

9. watch more lipstick jungle, gossip girl, 90210, grey's anatomy and one tree hill

10. sleep at REGUfuckingLAR hours - hear that, oh sweeet conscience?

i now leave you with something i never knew existed and am pleasantly surprised at its existence.

 

convertibles ;)

fuck, i need sleep so bad. 

twilight

watched it yesterday. utter crap after reading the book, obviously. i didnt think the plot (in the movie) was appropriate either. in my opinion, twilight isn't something you can make into a movie successfully. because, everything HAS to be included or it seems as though the movie is sort of 'tergantung' if you know what i mean. plus, robert pattison is SO NOT the edward cullen us girls have been endlessly fantasising of. seriously. it's just not right. kinda put me off the whole movie.  it's not like he's so far beyond the point of no return or anything but, he's just no edward cullen. 'nuff said. 

we went for an 8.30pm show. after the show a few of us mamak-ed in sri damansara. got a little goss session with jasmine. i've missed it, we havent talked for a long time since it's been spm and all. twas nice catching up. lots more to come :) before the movie adri and i went for driving class. i did the hill, 3-point turn and parking and he got to drive outside. next one's on wednesday. abg hasrul said that if i'm okay inside then i can go outside too! but i dunno, i'm kinda rusty still. 

not doing anything today. got up at like...12-ish? whaaaaaat? i slept really late. was reading 'Remember Me' by Sophie Kinsella after i got back. got my phone back after aeons of it being repaired. all my pink themes are gone, replaced by red ones. grr. they were PINK for a reason! just downloaded a new theme anyway, it's nice. heeee. 

craving japanese and listening to kate voegele on repeat. 

damn it. 

i dont understand why they dont understand. i dont understand why they think they are superior to the "other side" of my family. why? is it because you monopolise most of my time? is it because we're more closely knit? 

news flash.

the "other side" is all i have left to remember the "other half" of me. his side whose blood runs through my veins. should his side not be treated as one of equal importance? to you, of course not. another news flash. i do not, i repeat, DO NOT remember what it feels like to be completely, utterly happy at christmas. i swear on my life, i do not. i'll tell you why. 

i'm a half. 

through about 30 minutes of crying my eyes out, trying to make sense of this emptiness and this frustration, that's the conclusion i've come to. i'm a half. no matter where i am for christmas...be it "this side" or the "other side", i'm still and always will be a half. every christmas, there's something missing. there are some people missing. 

there has always been someone missing. 

i've always felt that i can only succeed in making half of myself happy. because i only always have half of my heart with me at christmas. only half. the other half is always with someone else. and that someone else, is always never there to give it back to me or to make me whole. it's what i feel every year. therefore, i've become immune. almost numb to the fact that, well, i'm a half. 

do i blame my parents for ripping me in two? two birthdays meaning two parties, two cakes, two different set of guests, two different locations, two different sets of gifts..

i had always found that great. being the kid that i was. which kid wouldn't? 

what about christmas though? two christmases? 

if only christmas was as simple as a birthday, right? it isnt that simple. there is NO such fucking thing as two christmases. every christmas, every year, is the time i get ripped into two. it started out with me being with daddy every christmas eve. obviously, that changed given the circumstances. that changed along with my age. along with my age came a little more wisdom, a little more insight. with my age, came a lot more hatred for what i was at christmas. 

a half. 

if it were a mere divorce, it wouldnt be quite so complicated. when you die, it's different. i dont blame my mother for wanting me every christmas now. honestly, i dont. i dont blame "this side" of the family for wanting that at all. i blame them for thinking that the "other side" is a lot less important to me. i wonder if they realise that he WAS after all, my father. and that the "other side" IS after all, HIS family. which makes THEM as important to ME.  

i think they think that just because he's gone in person, he's gone in spirit. i dont think that he's gone in spirit. honestly, and i'm not crazy, i think that he'll be waiting for me this christmas. if "this side" thinks that i'm going to the "other side" cos i'm gonna have more fun, they are sadly mistaken. i'll be a half, like always. i just wanna spend this christmas trying to remember what it was like when he was around. maybe if i try hard enough, i will. christmas eve was OUR thing. and with one fatal heart attack, it was taken away from us. 

my mum respects my decision. she knows that i have every right, especially now that i'm older. i'm so grateful that she's not selfish that way. 

as for the other person, i know she'll never understand. she'll never understand  what it feels like..

being a half. 

somebody's 20 today

                                                                thaaaayne the paaaaayne! 

wow i cant believe you're TWENTY! you're five years away to being a quarter of a century old! 

sorry, not helping. 

anyway, since this IS a tribute to youuuu, i supposed i MUST do what i can to sing your praises throughout this (very painful) post. 

kidding, you know i love you. 

hmm, i've known you for what....almost 11 years now? well, give or take. and it's been great. i'm glad i have someone like you that i can talk to about almost anything in the world from heartbreak to.............msn fonts. LOL. doesn't get better than that eh? still sucks that you're so far away tho. but not for long, hopefully ;) 

                                                           i'm sorry, i couldn't resist. HAH!

all in all, i hope you have/are having/had (i have no idea when you're gonna read this) a grrrrrreat birthday! along with many more to come. cant wait to see you!  it's gonna be a blast ;)

                                                             just cos i love this picture :)

all my love, 

L

xoxo

merdeka!

spm is over.

i am ecstatic.

i don't know what i'm going to do tomorrow. 

or the next day.

or the day after that.

how.goddamn.awesome.is.that?

SPM

hiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatushiatus!

merde.

6A's

 looks okay on paper, doesnt feel even CLOSE to okay in here.

merde. 

Falcons, that's right! FIGHT!

oh gawd i am such a wreck. one massive emotional trainwreck. was watching the Cheer '08 dvd (which i just received) just now. saw us perform and started tearing like an incredible psychofreak. 

but honestly, i'm missing everything about it. the fantastic squad. each one of them. we're a family and in some small (however small it may be) part of our hearts, we always will be. we'll always share that same series of memories. it's something we'll ALL have in common for the rest of our lives. steph, azarea, ima and i may be leaving. but it doesn't mean that we'll forget. it was a jolly good time spent, AND well spent too. in my opinion, each one of us has a little something new embedded in us that we'd obtained from cheer. from each other. something new that we'd never known before. a new sense of discipline, respect even. for seniors and for each member alike. a sense of responsibility, holding someone's life in the palm of your hands (literally, mind you) and also a sense of belonging..belonging to something you love that makes you happy and brings you joy, say, at the end of a tough day at school. there's also the freedom of expression at cheer. not only perkiness! all the time, but sometimes tears as well. tears of frustration, tears out of anger. tears of pain. 

as long and as hard as the tears flow, your squad never backs away. never.

everyone's always there for each other. always sharing. sharing laughs, the occassional gossip, drinks, snacks...just plain sharing. we've got each other's backs literally, and always. stress may come and go, anger may come and go, but team spirit is everlasting. i'm going to miss that very team spirit. i dont know if i can find it anywhere else. i'm half hoping that i wont, so that i can hold on to this forever, and not have to replace it. i'm gonna do my best to help them out as much as i can when i'm out of school. i want them to do better next year. i want them to have what i feel at this very moment to pass on to the future Falcons of SSB. i want them to be THIS proud. i just sincerely hope that the team spirit will never fade or get corrupted by outside influences because right now, it's as pure as it can be. 

remember girls, we are a team. no matter what happens, we always will be. 

we are a legacy.

cheery coke.

cheery coke, not cherry coke. (no it wasn't a typo, you can stop rubbing your eyes now it looks silly) 

anyway, a fling? 

fling, huh?                                     fling...

aaaaaaaaaah fling.

hmm...   :)

Selamat Hari Raya

I would like to wish all my Muslim friends a very VERY SELAMAT HARI RAYA! Hope you guys enjoy yourselves to the max, and i also hope you g  uys STAY SAFE! *ahemAMARahem* 

went to lunch with the cousins yesterday at Bubba Gump at the curve. was fun, glad i could find a way to go. good bonding time which we SHOULD DO MORE OFTEN when shilps is around. good food, needless to say. Nirwan and i had the bourbon something something baramundi (haha, cant remember the name!) and BORING ol' Nish and Shilpa had..

 fish       and       chips.

wow! *dies of excitement* lol. not adventurous at all these two are. seriously. anyway, halfway throughout the meal shilpa starts laughing for no apparent reason (and she claims I'M the stupidest one in the family now) HAH. you wish, child ;) though i openly admit i've had a few bimbo moments here and there recently. but, i could NEVER take her place as the bimbo of the family. never, i'd never do that you :) unanimously, it has been agreed that she's made her mark as the BIM of the family. i shall not disclose all the BIM things you've said and done here, due to my undying love for you. haha. what's important is that WE know. hehe. 

oh yeah, it took so long for our food to come so nish came to the conclusion that it was because we were indians. hahahaha. so while we were eating, this other family came to sit at a table next to ours. 

Nish : Poor Indians..

lol. their food came fast though. unfair! so after lunch we walked to cineleisure cos they were gonna watch a movie. i had to go though so i couldnt watch with them. went to meet mum at borders after that and went to buy my dress! 

okay, dress(es) wasnt planning on buying more than one, but they were quite cheap and quite....irresistable!

   

i loved the print :D

and this, which i wore to the KA 25th Anniversary Dinner&Dance..

and we must have a demure looking good girl dress now, musn't we?

heeheeeee! got new shoes also, but no picture. mum went on a pretty insane shopping spree as well. especially on shoes. gosh, that woman. no guessing where i got it from, straight from the mothership i tell you! it's good to have a mum who enjoys it as much as you do. it's fun. 

today, we went to uncle hamzah's for raya lunch. yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy rendang man! wooooh! and the cakes and cookies! aunty liyana is the BOMB at making desserts.

anyway, gotta go now. more soon.

lol

[22:29:16] Nirshad says: 

PiNk RuLeZ

it's not everyday something like that happens. well done, cousin. 

L O L

nooooooooo!

my mum. had. the Dior Cherie. and. she. gave. it. away.

sadness fills this room tonight :'(

happy birthday LL!

you're so far away. and i miss you like PHUCK. it ain't the same honey. 

Happy 17th, ham! 

*cue LL, "WOW an entire post for ME!"*

yeah, you're that special. hope you had truckloads of fun!

love you ham. looong time.

xx

 

bliss.

this feeling. like i can BREATHE again.

is bliss.

p.s. i need to shop before i drop!

whoooooopdeedoO!

okay so chem  kinda sucked royal arse. BUT. all is well in this world of mine.

i bet bet BET you wanna know why!!!

BECAUSE........ *giggles*

*giggles more!*

my babies arrived today ;)

aaaaaand...

!!!!!

lol. MUST LA camwhore a bit ;)

 clothesbucket!! *clickclick* 

air mata bergenang

there will ALWAYS be something waiting around the bend to make me cry when i just really, really have to focus and get something done. 

no shit, really. i'm really not exaggerating. 

always. 

and if God's testing me, i'm still standing. 

though i'm hanging on by a thread.

oh no.

feels like i'm falling into this endless ditch. slowly but surely. you know how when things fall, they start slow and then pick up in speed? simple physics, no? yes well, first you tip over that fucking cliff. then you actually realise that you're off that fucking cliff. then your heart tickles with the feeling of falling. 

faster, faster, faster. 

while you're falling, you dont exactly turn back to look at that fucking cliff, do you? you look forward...downwards. downwards to your so-called future. downwards to what you have to look forward to. downwards to the ground..the bottom of that fucking cliff. the last place you wanna be because you know it's not the place for you to be. downwards. where you're gonna land flat on your face with the joke finally on you. nobody there but you. nobody to listen but you. nobody to 'help carry that cross', so to speak. 

looking downwards, you dont really remember any of that cliff you fell off of. what did it look like? heck, how the fuck did i fall? there's no telling how many memories are lost in the process of falling. what....did i, slip? dont remember. dont remember the cool things on the cliff. the feeling of the wind in your hair standing on top of the cliff. and gosh, the view...simply breathtaking. but when you're falling, falling, falling..you dont think about the wind, your hair, OR the fucking breathtaking view. 

you think about, well, falling. 

falling 

falling...

and before you know it, you die before you even hit the ground.

ode to thayne

thaaaayne,

the paaaaaain,

insaaaaaaane :)

hahaaa just kidding, love ya!

p.s. weirdo

GAHHH!

fuck. shit. crap. FUCK! 

15 . 09 . 2008

FUCCCCCK!  

*cramcramcramcramcramcram*

*dropsdead*

in a nutshell.

dewa-rrraja!

stayed home and studied today. not done actually. ultra history baby. ughh i've had it up to HERE with all the pentadbiran/pemerintahan shit. BUT. it's not like i have a choice. 

so

goodbye :)

fuck this.

it's not like i dont try. i do, i swear. but what happens when the barrier doesnt seem to budge? what happens when whatever you do, you just CANT bloody focus anymore?? what happens when the odds are against you and there really doesnt seem to be a chance for everything to just 'magically' turn around for the better? 

what happens then?

honestly, i'm this close to giving up. i know it's my own fault/loss. i mean, no one's ever gonna see me as something else like this. i dont get how other people can see "WOW" and i just see "ugghh.." when i look in the mirror. not because of the outward appearance, but because of who i am. other people dont see me for who i am, and the scary part is, only i do. only i know what's gonna come outta me. only i know how hard i work. only i know what i can accomplish. i wish i could tell everyone else to stop getting their hopes up because i'm afraid they'll all be very sadly disappointed. i'd rather just disappoint myself and live with it then bring people down with me. at least they'd be happy even if i'm not. besides, i'm good at wearing masks. i've got all types.

 i just want them to see me for who i really am, and not some 'harapan bestari'.

this bites.

friggin SKID MARKS. seriously.

whatthehell! 

*crawls into necessary hiding* 

au revoir :((((

siiiiigh.

my skin's been quite bad lately. like, from the heat or maybe even stress? what puzzles me is that it never happens to me. bad skin, i mean. i dont mean to brag or anything but i have an impeccable complexion. 

or, well, HAD. :(

PLUS. there's a minor burn scar at the side of my face ( near my forehead/ear)-ish because of...

well it's kinda embarassing and bimbotic..

cos of me burning myself with the straightening iron.

i know i know. and no, it's not my first time using an iron. i guess i just sorta...missed? lol. *smacks self on head* anyway, so yeah there's a tiny burn line. thank god it isnt obvious as no one has noticed yet. 

on a SO-NOT happier note, trials start on the 15th. i think i'll be okay, really. it's just history that i gotta really concentrate on now. now that i actually GET chemistry, i'm a little more optimistic. just a little. a little.  

today at shool we camwhored a little with nik's camera. we're taking new yearbook pics cos the ones taken by the so-called professionals were apparently really bad. cik nor lezah doesnt know about our little plot so it's kinda being done....illegally. 

i feel like a crrrriminal! whee.

besides that, i'm kinda disappointed with my position in class this time around. it isnt THAT bad but it's PRETTY bad for me. i was pleasantly surprised tho that i got all A's besides add math. which i happened to have, well, failed. but yeah, all A's is good. its just the add math that pulled me down. ugh, i just wish this test MEANT something. too bad it doesnt. so no, i'm no brilliant child prodigy. one can dream tho. 

well, i should go hit the books now. heh.  

sad

was reading up on the lina joy case earlier. for no apparent reason, was just thinking about it. this is what was said regarding lina's appeal.

"We invite anyone who feels that they are aggrieved or victimized within the current system to choose other, less confrontational and controversial attempts towards change and reform."

less confrontational and controversial attempts?? do they seriously think that lina CHOSE deliberately to be controversial? it isnt her fault that THE SYSTEM screwed up thus causing controversy. anyway, CHANGE and REFORM is SUPPOSED TO BE CONTROVERSIAL! it would not be called change OR reform if it weren't. why? are they scared of a challenge? of a little controversy? if their foundation was strong in the first place (i.e. including systems that DO NOT screw people over), they probably would not have made such a pussy statement. 

it's like saying...'Oh, just whisper softly...softly you know..in the ear of any tom, dick or harry who will listen, the next time you want to make a change. that will suffice lah." 

yeah. it will definitely suffice to make it easier to cover up AND shut her up while they're at it. 

democracy, you say? well i've got news for you. this is NOT what i signed up for. 

geez, ENOUGH already, okay?

i was blog-hopping earlier, and i came across a blog where i found out that the supporters of the Dynamitez of SMK DJ were hurling rude remarks and demoralising insults at the Stunners All-girls of Sri KDU. 

during. the Stunners'. routine.

i mean, COME ON. i can totally relate to why the Stunners are so upset. i come from a private school too and i know how students from government schools look at us. and in our defence, i know SO MANY people from GOVERNMENT schools who play the part of the altruistic "spoiled brat" (as you people so eloquently phrase it) so much better than we do. let's get one thing straight here people. WE of THIS GENERATION are EQUAL. it DOESNT MATTER what TYPE of SCHOOLS we come from, what our FINANCIAL BACKGROUNDS might be like, we are all fucking EQUAL. 

you know why?

let me educate you.

this is because ..

our ATTITUDES do NOT DEPEND on WHERE we got to SCHOOL.

our ATTITUDES depend on the PEOPLE we GREW UP around.

our ATTITUDES depend on WHO our FRIENDS are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how MATURE we are.

our ATTITUDES depend on how SMART we are.

NOT

how RICH we are.

who DRIVES us around.

WHAT DRIVES us around.

how we SHOP.

where we GO ON HOLIDAY.

and FYI, not ALL students of private schools are rich, as you think they are. i'm most certainly not. so please, DO NOT assume. to go to private school does not mean you HAVE to be rich. it simply means you have the money to get by comfortably. there IS a difference between that and being rich. you see, there's 

COMFORTABLE

and there's 

RICH

see?

and being RICH is not a crime. i know rich people who are the nicest people in the world. many of them are actually. those who do not flaunt what they have. the humble ones. and i'm more than sure that they are students with more-than-steady financial backing at SMK DJ. so please, do not judge. you come from a reputable and admired school. yes, SMK DJ is ADMIRED by even PRIVATE SCHOOL STUDENTS. students like me. yes, i DO admire your school. the students. the accomplishments. truly, i do.

then you guys go and say things like that about the Stunners? 

i must say. i have a little less respect for you now.

hi :)

well i wont say for sure that i have in fact found my passion for blogging again, but i thought maybe i'd give it a shot again. try to uhh, rekindle the flame. so to speak. so yeah, nothing much has been going lately besides the fact that everyone's kinda shivering in their panties in apprehension as to whether or not they'll be chosen for NS. this is inclusive of, well, me. of course. the final list was SUPPOSED to be out today but you know, you never know.

now let's take a short HAPPY SLIP break, shall we? hehe. brb :) 

back! omg happy slip is the FUNNIEST ever! go check it out at www.youtube.com/happyslip. okay, i digress :) so back to what i was talking about, many people at school have gotten NS so far and really, i wish them the best best BEST of luck and also the best of CAMPS. lol. i hear the sabah/sarawak camps are AWESOME in comparison to the ones here. 

you know, i've been thinking lately, about what makes me tick. what drives me to make decisions, what prompts me to say the right or wrong things, what gets me so wound up that i could actually tear an actual cow in half with my bare hands, what makes me sad or just plain WHAT GETS ME OUTTA BED EVERY MORNING???

so i thought to myself, 'huh, interesting thought." so i thought somemore.

1. i make a decision when i see my life before me as a busy junction in malaysia. where-to-go? which route? oh shit! big truck! WHO'S HOOTING!? mother****** dunno how to drive is it??!

2. usually i say ALL the wrong things when i'm uspet. i'm creature of impulse. i dont THINK, i just word vomit.

3. when i DO say the right things, which i'd like to think i do quite often, i say them because i look at things through the eyes of whoever i'm saying them to. what would they WANT to hear not putting aside the truth? how would they feel if i said that? what would make them feel like they've actually gotten somewhere with that conversation? i confess, the usage of white lies are not alien to me. but to me, they can only be used when it's absolutely critical. to give the other party a little boost of confidence.

4. if i were to list all the things that get me wound up or P.O.-ed as we call it, i'd be here...in my room....staring at the screen....brain turned to unmitigated mush...typing and typing...till christmas '10. SO. looooooooooooooooooong story short. one thing that pisses me off is how people nowadays think they can buy love with money. just like that. ka-chinggg! here's your love! would you like fries with that, sir? i mean, HELLO! GET REAL! it's SAD and eminently demoralising. but it's happening. and guys, i dont mean to totally kill your game, but it's usually you. remember people, platinum aint love.

5. it makes me sad when i hear of child abuse, animal abuse, wars, world war 28 in families..those sorta things. it makes me sad also when people dont trust you the way they should. or the way you think they did. makes you feel like a fool, really. doesnt make you trust them any less though. whether that's a good or bad thing remains a mystery to me.

and lastly,

6. GOD gets me outta bed every morning. the very core of my being. the reason my foundation can never be shaken. it's Him who tells me that everything's okay when i go to sleep at night. and Him who says, "Wake up! it's a sunny day!" (okay maybe that's just caitliyne, but figuratively, yeah totally Him) even when the heavens are pouring outside. my family gets me outta bed every day. the thought every morning of getting up, getting ready for school, going downstairs and seeing the kids brings me joy beyond anything i could ever imagine. *whispers* and these arent even MY kids! but yeah, my family. my friends get me outta bed every day. the laughing and jubilant, ecstatic smiles. the deep, thoughtful conversations. the sharing of secrets. the occassional Gossip Girl episodes. bitch fights. the warm hugs and linking of arms. the way us girls laugh with our eyes, across the classroom. the comfort and the feeling of, "hey, you know, this feels like home.." when you're miles away from your doorstep. gotta love it.

till next time. 

applπ!

i won't be blogging much anymore. i've decided that blogs are for the sole purpose of expressing oneself with passion. 

PASSION.

and that, my dear readers, i've not at present.

ciao bella-s. 

hope to be back soon.

let's be optimistic here.

there are so many weird little things that fascinate me. 

1. the way a one year old grabs your finger and leads you somewhere, walking with such conviction, and you not knowing where he's taking you or what's going on in his little mind.

2. the way people look when they don't agree with what's being said by someone else. the expression on their faces when they think no one's looking.

3. how so many people don't acknowledge what's being said by another if they just don't get it. a sort of awkward silence.

4. the way a person's ego is affected (and how it's shown  on the face) when being ticked off by someone they have absolutely no respect for.

5. how toddlers just know when you're down. and know how to just come close, look at you in their special way, and make you feel so much better. 

6. how music, in a cold room, makes you warm. 

7. how retail therapy which on most occassions makes a world of difference, but under certain circumstances, just doesn't.

8. the way a person can feel nothing and be absolutely numb.

9. how people can just do horrible things and not be haunted by their conscience on how they affect people. 

...and counting. 

 

nice picture.

not long more now, till all these kind of pictures become simply a thing of the past. we'll all go out separate ways, some of us never to meet again? i hope not. but it's possible because it's simple reality. maybe not. maybe we'd all still be great friends growing up (or should i say, old) in and out of each others' households, hassle-free. witnessing each other embarking on the journeys that life takes us and holding each other back from the wrong paths, could it be so?it could. it could also be...."hey! i remember him/her! hmm...what ever happened, i wonder..did (he or she)  graduate/get married/have kids/end up doing drugs/end up in jail/migrate/drop out/join a cult/become a CEO/go bankrupt/move back home, ETC. ? take your pick. i've seen it happen before my very eyes. from being as thick as thieves to not recognising each other on the street. 

people change, situations and times change with them. 

let's not leave the pictures behind, kay?

love you all xx

shoot me.

this will NOT do. i worked, i did. i knew what i was doing, I DID. this cannot be. if this is supposed to be my best, i dont know what best means anymore. they say a chain is as strong as its weakest link. my chain, fuck only GOD knows. this always happens. nothing different or even remotely good in this sense can ever, ever, EVER happen to me.

i hate this feeling. 

and guess what, no one's there to catch me.

dum dee dum dum dum .

exams are over (unless est 1 tomorrow is counted) which it is SO not. i'm not being over-confident. just plain honest. there is NOTHING that you can study for est. except knowing the formats for the essays. so yeah, two weeks of holidays after this and then it's back to hitting the books. i hope. very short post. nothing much is going on. 

help me!

i wanna go for marie digby tomorrow!

but! i! have! NO! transport!

i dont really wanna go to see HER. just to get out. and catch up with my lovelies. 

but! now! i! CANT!

unless, by some stroke of luck, transport comes knocking on my door.

i! want! to! DIE!

well, not really. but yeah, you get my drift :(

in the midst of hell

exams started on monday (yesterday). had bm and history yesterday and one english paper and the other history paper. history was okay overall. quite good actually. tomorrow's english only so i have lots of time to study chem in the library. hence, the blogging and laziness. read like 3/4 of the 8th volume of singapore ghost stories in the library today and freaked myself out totally. thank god i wasnt alone. there was an ENTIRE SECTION on ghost attacks on students in the middle of exams. i was like, SHIT. what are the odds..surprisingly i didnt shut the book at the speed of light and toss it out the window towards the nearest car to be squished into oblivion. i guess there is a fraction of bravery in me. 

somewhere. you'll see. one day.

okay, even i dont believe that. MOVING ON. after school i went to primary for a while to kill time and miss nicole was telling us more ghost stories from the TSGS books. how she can remember so many stories is a mystery to me. i read like 3/4 of the book and all i could come up with was like two stories. yes, that's all thats left of my memory skills for ya. she teman-ed me back to sec and told me MORE stories while i was waiting for pn rohaya. 

come to think of it, i'm like alone right now.

yikes. okay MOVING ON again! nothing else has been going on lately. my social life is completely down the drain due to exams (imagine SPM, laila). right. sigh. anyway, cant wait for exams to be over. then its PARTAAAY time! well, for like, 2 seconds la. then its back to preparing for trials and then SPM. 

okay this is sorta besides any point but i'm totally hooked on eskulin kids hand sanitizer. and quadratini napolitaner. 

cant wait for mum to get back. TONIGHT! yay. 

DIE-lemma.

this is what i wanted. it is. why, then, do i feel so empty inside? i dont know what i'm trying to accomplish by doing this. i dont know what the hell i'm trying to prove. independance? no.. discipline? HELL no. honestly, i've never EVER been so lost in this place i call my OWN life. i need some sort of sign indicating just a hint of what i'm supposed to do with myself. cos i just have no clue whatsoever on how to deal. i know i should quit whining because hey, I WANTED THIS. but what's whining good for if not for things like this. i want so many things. to go to so many places. to meet so many people. many , MANY , MANY! heck, i dont know any other word. i guess that's why i disappoint myself time after time. because i just dont know how to push myself to the limit to get the MANY things that i want. i do it the wrong way, at least. pushing people away, pushing actual relevent work aside. doing all the wrong things. what do i get in the end? hurt&disappointed. i hurt and disappoint the people who love me. i cant afford to do this anymore.


i'm so done.





IN OUT

making breaking

lovin' it!

i.found.my.dress!

just you wait.

05 - 04 - 2008

lol.

got this from neera, dont know if any have seen it. enjoy.

BLOODY hell.

it's been long! well, 2008 is here 3months in and i've done




ABSO-FUCKIN-LUTELY NOTHING.




spm this year, mind you. scared shitless especially after results for 07 came in. our school did terrribly if you ask me. except ruhana of course (11 a1s baby!) came as quite of a shock how disappointing last years results were. anyway, so i'm sitting here doing nothing and i decide to blog right (dedicated to LL) and i cant think of anything worth blogging about. well yeah i mean there are SO MANY things in my life that are of worth but none really that would be appreciated via blogspot. you know? so. i'm just going to blog about what's going thru my mind atm. pure spontaneity ya. i'm thinking about whether i should have dinner since i ate maggi mee at about 5pm. i'm guessing not. so lazy to go downstairs. i'm also thinking about whether or not to finish my add maths tuition homework lol. or maybe i'll just do it tmrw. another thing on my mind is the dublin literary. half of me wants to sit down and pen my thoughts but the other has completely no faith. how la? difficult topic man, tomorrow's world. i mean, it isnt DIFFICULT, it's just so bloody general and and and and and WHAT ON EARTH WOULD ONE WRITE ABOUT!!!!? you know? you might say, "cheh so easy la just write about ......... !" then when you actually think about that ............. , you'd be like, "oh CRAP la." that's the way it goes. anyway, i dont think i'm putting my brain to full use on this cos i know that i COULD think of something to write about if i REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY wanted to. honestly, mum wasnt much help. she just went, "oh if you have nothing to write about dont join la." i'm like oh THANKS mum. sigh. i'm hoping neera has some sort of idea. she is after all the PRO. besides dublin, the only other thing going on is cheer. sports day is on april 5th and our routine has yet to be completed. 5minutes okay! no joke! so we're kinda panicking and practicing till the cows come home but the growth of our stunts are well, stunted. especially the basket pikes. it's good enough, but not guaranteed that it will be on sports day! oh yeah and did i mention that my BACK is BROKEN because of the basket pikes. GOSH.


okay, i've decided to include some jokes. blondes are killer okay. these are the top ten blonde jokes (in uk supposedly) and if you dont know what blonde jokes are you can just go jump off a building RIGHT NOW.

(in reverse order, best last-in our case, number 1)


10. If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?

Answer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!


9. The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


8. A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked,

"Where did you get that?"

The pig replied, "I won her in a raffle!"


7. A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".


6. Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.

First Blonde:
"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!


5. Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.

The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said,
"I think they could be bird tracks."

The second blonde went to look and said,
"No, I think these are deer tracks."

They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks.

She looked down, then got run over by the train!


4. A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.

The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."


3. A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling,

"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"


2. A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


1. A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"




honestly, i've heard better ones. come on uk!

anyway, ENJOY!